Humboldtian

My family and friends think I should fly to London this summer to experience the birthday bash Madonna is throwing for herself to celebrate her 50th. Madonna has reserved three floors of the London Ritz for the big night in August, exact date I don’t recall at the moment. I'm invited.

Three for four months ago, I received a telephone call that went something like this:

“Hi Andrew, this is Dean, Madonna’s personal assistant, calling from London. Madonna asked me to invite you to her 50th birthday party in London next year.”
“Who.” (me)
“Madonna. Your ex-girlfriend.”
“Dean, you have the wrong Andrew Bird. That Andrew Bird lives somewhere in England. This is California.”
“No, he lives in California. Andrew, (Dean was exceedingly polite, patient AND persistent) Madonna gave me this number personally to call you.”

This went on for awhile. I repeatedly denied being Madonna’s ex-boyfriend, though I understood why Dean thought I was. About 10 years ago Madonna had a brief dalliance with a man much younger than I, a struggling unknown want-to-be writer who never made it, a Brit whose name I happen to share. I used to get emails from friends and family when they would read about Madonna and me in People Magazine.

I couldn’t convince Dean I wasn’t Madonna’s former lover. So I took down the information and thanked him. I am supposed to RSVP sometime before summer starts. I have to provide my own transportation. Madonna is going to provide everything else.

And, I'm supposed to think up something to say about Madonna at the party, in 30 seconds or less. Any suggestions?