Jen's Den

After a recent bout with the stomach flu, I can testify to three things: (1) This year's flu shot doesn't do diddly squat to prevent stomach flu, (2) Stomach flu is a misnomer -- they ought to call it the "doubled-over-in-pain-honey-get-out-of-the-bathroom-NOW" flu, and (3) I would much rather have the coughing/feverish/achy-breaky-body flu than the stomach version. 'Nuff said.

Watch out for this one, folks -- it's a doozy. It hit me out of the blue in the space of about 3 hours.

First, you wonder why your jeans got tighter all of a sudden, then you realize it's because you have this really bloated feeling in your tummy. Then you try to walk downstairs and out to your car in the parking lot, thinking there's no way you're going to make it before you pass out. Then the nausea hits. You sit in your car, hyperventilating, thinking for sure you're dying and telling yourself, "Just start the car, Jen. Drive home, Jen. You'll make it, it's only 7 minutes to the house. Just put it in drive - the car knows the way."

I'll spare you the rest of the details. This thing had me in bed, bath and beyond help round-the-clock for five full days. I have never felt so weak and enervated, except after I had pneumonia. Oh yeah, and after my gallbladder surgery. OK, maybe I have felt that weak before. But when you're in the agonizing throes of this flu's stranglehold, you can't help but think it's the worst you've ever felt.

My dilemma: The only thing that sounded good to eat was saltine crackers and 7-Up. (Maybe because that's what Mom always gave me when I was sick, and I always want my mommy -- even at 54 -- when I'm sick.)

The problem: The saltines in our cupboard were at least 3 years old. This is how I discovered saltines go stale even when they're in their original sealed packages, unopened. Moisture is evil. It finds a way in, no matter how airtight you think you've stored something.

The solution: You can "re-crisp" them on a cookie sheet in a 200 F oven for about 5 minutes. But you have to watch them or they turn brown and get overly crispy. If this happens, they'll disintegrate if you even think about trying to pick one up.

The better solution: Buy a new box of saltines every 3-4 months and throw the old ones out on the backyard lawn for the birds and squirrels. Or, crush them and use them in a recipe. (I'll have a few ideas posted in a day or two.)

Anyway, if you catch this flu, just be warned: It may be at least a week before you get much of an appetite back. It's been a week and I'm still craving saltines.

Also, be sure to hydrate yourself. Drink little bitty sips of water frequently. Or 7-Up. It's so easy to get dehydrated and that makes you feel even worse.