Thousands of people descended onto Rohner Park yesterday, to drink a ton of beer, eat some good food, and share a handful of porta potties. If this isn't enough to entice you, how about the though of a super hot date with your own favorite erotic novelist, Jen at the Redneck Romance Writer? Thought so - sealed the deal for me :-). I know Jen will have her own version of our drunken stumble through the back field of Rohner Park, but here's my top 10 (in no particular order):

1. You have to work really hard to get drunk at Hops in the Park. I know this because Jen and I broke a sweat getting our beer sample and dashing to another long line to get the next sample. Combine long lanes and small glasses and you have drunk failure.

2. Do not breathe deep near the stage, under the tents, by the food booths, next to the beer serving, or adjacent to the porta potties. There was a ton of cigarette and pot smoking. Yuck. Why couldn't they restrict the cancer stick suckers and potheads to a smoking area rather than letting them intermingle with the rest of us?

3. I don't care what you say, but crab cheese puffs and teriyaki chicken sticks rock, after a good beer buzz.

4. Don't ask the drunk guy how bad the porta potty was. He's the one who just peed all over the floor and seat so his views will be a tad bit skewed. Porta potties give me severe anxiety. Thank God for Jen who talked me off the ledge and from finding a tree to relieve myself. She gave me the cleanest of the bunch and made sure I washed my hands. I think I'm in love :-).

5. It is insanely fun to make the sweet little man in the frozen banana booth, take pictures of you and your drunk buddy, doing inappropriate things with the banana he just sold to you. All the little fellow could mutter yesterday, hands trembling as he was squeezing the roller ball on my phone, "This is so dirty!" Yes, Jen and I are going to hell for that one.

6. The Moonshine Bandits rocked. Not so much for their music but because of this:

They graciously signed these two MILF's CDs, gave me a hug and then BAM! Jen makes one kiss ass comment about the drummer and he gives her his freakin' sticks! Can you tell I'm a tad bit jealous? And she wouldn't even share. I got to hold them on the way home but that was it. Here they are if you've never heard of them:

7. I found my next ride:

8. Friends come out with ingenious tricks when the beer buzz hits. My friend, J, quickly showed me how multi-talented she was:

Hands free drinking:

Temperature testing via a good lick:

9. Did I mention the beer? Cold beer, lots of different flavors and colors - good times. I'm still torked we missed out on the raspberry ale but there is always next year.

10. Ok Jen, this one's for you. Perhaps my house is not exactly 1/8 of a mile from the park - maybe not even 1/4 of a mile - but then again, my judgment was probably based on the way a crow flies since I'm a bird fan. However, you just can't create memories like stumbling home, fighting over drumsticks, and listening to my constant threats of finding a tree and having you be my lookout. Good times, lady! Good times!

Did you go to Hops? What did you think?

** Edited to add a link to Jen's hilarious version. **

Posted by Mommazilla at 10:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Hall-o-freakin'-luja! It's Friday! Here are my observations from the past week. Read'em and add your own:

1. I can't stand whistlers. Twice this week I picked a bathroom stall where the gal whistled throughout her business. It was disturbing and very hard for me to concentrate - maybe because I started humming along. It was a duo in the public bathroom.

2. A little turd called Taterbug a "mother effer." Her words to protect my eardrums, not mine. When asked what she did to provoke such a verbal lashing, she assured me that she hadn't done anything but couldn't be confident that her best friend didn't. She further quelled my anger by informing me that she went all "ghetto" on the guy, telling him not to talk back to her or call her names. She then completed her talk with a head bob and a hair flip. I'm so proud.

3. C-dub informed me he is becoming a teenager at the ripe old age of six. He found a pimple on his lip and now he's fearful of growing a mustache.

4. I took the kids on a hike at the rive rbar. When Taters insisted C-dub pack her rocks, he professed his dismay by whining that she was treating him like a "waiter." She laughed, I laughed, and he dropped her rocks.

5. I have OCD and it's recently been kicking in. I had to stop myself from pulling over to the side of the road to zip up a bum's backpack. He was walking with it wide open and it bothered me. ALOT.

6. I got my hair did. Back to blond I go a skippin'.

7. Saturday is Hops in the Park in Fortuna. I'm so excited to spend some girlfriend time at this event and partake amongst some adult beverlies.

8. I lost an entire tree's worth of peaches to the incontinent bastard bear who has been molesting my orchard on a nightly basis. He left me several piles of crap as a thank you gift. What an asshat. This is war.

9. I lost all my strawberries and tomato plants to the fat doe and her two teenager fawns. They were adorable when they were small but not so much now that the spots are gone. They ate all my plants even after my garlic and cat pee spray was applied. I guess they thought it was a specially made vinaigrette.

10. I think I need to stop gardening. Rather than less anxiety and stress of life - it's making it worse by causing me to evaluate which firearm might do the best job at taking my garden and orchard thieves out.

11. I've decided that I've had it when having to buy clothes. I feel too old for the Juniors section but the Misses section has too much lace and polyester. I need an in between section specially designed for self-proclaimed MILFS.

12. It's the final countdown to my Def Leppard and Poison concert. I think I'm gonna do Spandex for it's shapewear abilities. And the fact I'm five hours away from home and no one should know me. I hope.

13. I was informed this week we lost approximately $135K on the value of our home. If you happen to find, it, can you please mail it back to 123 Pissedoffatforeclosuresandshortsales Way, Anytown, CA.

14. My cats have been continuing their murderous spree in our yard. The other night was several disturbingly large crickets. Tonight was a shrieking mole that ran up inside my Dyson vacuum cleaner. Thank God hubby got it out. The thing doesn't get much usage so in reality, the mole coulda lived there for years without being noticed.

15. Have I mentioned that it's Friday? Have a fantabulous day and weekend!

Posted by Mommazilla at 11:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

We had another hen disappear about 28 days ago - coincidently enough, just long enough for one to hatch a clutch of eggs should she put her little chicken brain to it. When this hen returned, I quickly noticed she had grown some new appendages in the form of little feet:

Upon closer inspection, the hen also noticed these feet and freaked out a bit:

Until she saw this and calmed down a bit...It just made me smile:

I'd like to introduce Nugget and Tender, the newest additions to our household:

Posted by Mommazilla at 10:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Because this is in my neck of the woods, I really paid attention to how this fiasco was going to end up. Nice job Fortuna Police Department and the other agencies who helped to save three lives today. These types of things never tend to have a happy ending but today they did. Great work!

Posted by Mommazilla at 12:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I need to borrow a ladder and a red sharpie. Good grief but thanks for the chuckle.

Posted by Mommazilla at 07:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I wandered over to the fair yesterday, dragging my family along for the ride. Because I'm still high on cotton candy, fudge, and some stale popcorn, I've decided to list my observations in a Top Ten list. In no particular order:

1. Why do people bring their dogs to the fair only to leave it in the car? I'm not talking about a little dog either. We had a Subaru pull up next to use with a gorgeous Weimaraner in the backseat. The 20ish looking driver hopped out of the car, cracked the four windows, and told the dog, "Sorry girl! You can't go in!" and then left the poor thing in the car. Ridiculous! Leave your mutts at home!

2. There were a lot of pukers this year. Everywhere I turned, someone was losing it in a garbage can, back of aride, or just down the midway. I'm a sympathetic puker so I did my best to avoid the vomit comets.

3. The $7 curly fries rocked - as usual. Nothing tastes better than a potato that's been curled up with a power tool.

4. I ended up with one first, a second and two thirds on my photography. I purposely looked for the biddy photos and discovered that her "unstackable" print didn't even place. Tee hee....

5. I'm going to prepay for tickets and armbands next year. It cost my family $24 to get in, $50 for armbands, and then about another $30 for junk food. I know I could save about $10 should I choose to plan ahead, but $10 is $10 - or three coffees at Starbucks :-).

6. It was great people watching this year. I especially loved the return of tight Levis, snakeskin boots, and mullets - and this was all on the same person.

7. The carnies weren't too unpleasant this year. The teeth to smile ratio still wasn't too high but most seemed clean and not under the influence while operating the heavy equipment. They were also playing fabulous music and I got my yearly dose of Danzig and Pink Floyd.

8. My kids were bummed they couldn't win a $10 goldfish to go with their $10 Fortuna Carnival goldfish. Can you believe that thing is still alive? Inconceivable!

9. There were a ton of hugely pregnant woman waddling around. Maybe I just notice the prego bellies becuse I think they're beautiful, but seriously, what the heck was everyone doing about seven months ago? Get a hobby! I think my baby fever has finally subsided with the realization that Gunny is sprouting horns rather than a halo.

10. And finally, it was nice to see such a good turnout at the fair. There were a ton of cars, lotsa people, and thousands of smiles. I think people were having a good time - including my family who's ride armbands were frayed by the time we left. Good times - my kids' brains are still fizzy from the Tornado.

Did you go to the fair? How was your time spent?

Posted by Mommazilla at 08:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Every year when hunting season hits, the women of my immediate family go a little bit crazy. I'm not sure if it's because of the abundance of estrogen running through our normally testosterone based household - but for whatever reason - girlfriend time abounds and thrives.

Hubby ever so kindly took both our boys with him to the cabin this weekend. As a result, Taters and I quickly surmised that a weekend of retail therapy, manicures, and beach time would be just what the doctor ordered for two lonely ladies.

We started off our weekend with a trip to the mall where I paid approximately $11 an ounce for sultry naughtiness and satin at Victoria's secret. Ok, maybe so much sultry - afterall I've had three children - but they're undies and if you took away half the material you could produce another thong..or two. But I digress.

I was perfectly content looking at all the goodies until Tater's started grabbing lacy things off the shelf and began asking the lovely clerks to try them on. Totally weirded out and not ready to deal with the questions associated with sexy lingerie, I decided it was time to leave. After our shopping trip, we went to the mall nail place where I we obtained some pretty manicures. Not content with her short nails, Tater's begged me for a set of acrylics and I was quick to point out the disadvantages of long nails. She wasn't fully accepting of my excuses but finally settled on bright purple polish for her little fingernails after I threatened an brownish orange color to perk up her fingertips.

As we left the mall, we happened to pass by the cheap jewelry, goopy makeup and tawdry hair clip store for young ladies, Taters looked in and saw something that immediately caught her eye - press on hookah nails. I'm sorry if you don't like the name, "hookah." but anything that extends one inch past your fingertip and contains rhinestones and glitter, deserves the "hookah" title. She begged, she pleaded - she promised me endless foot rubs and litter box changing for a year - until I finally succumbed. I carefully inspected the little bits of womanliness and decided to let her buy a set. For $5, how good would these things actually stick on? I gave it an evening at the most...

Later that night, after spending all of our money and filling our bellies with Thai food, we returned to the confines of our female only mansion, and spread out the fingernails, comparing the sizes to her tiny nail beds, and admired their overall girlishness.

Mommazilla: You know Taters, things are a bit challenging with long nails. And these are really long.
Taters: Oh Mother! I know! As she rolls her eyes at me. But they look so awesome - I can totally deal with it.
Mommazilla: Ok, I just don't want to hear any griping later. I'm not entirely sure how well these things are gonna stick and they may just pop off. Alright?
Taters: Whatever Maaaaoooommmm... Just put'em on already!

Rather nonchalantly, I slathered the glue on each nail, and slapped them onto her nail tips. I honestly didn't think for $5 we were getting any sort of adhesive product that would actually keep things stuck together. I did notice that my thumb and pointer finger stuck together rather well but I hoped the nail to nail bed connection was not as fantastic.

Here's the final product taken courtesy of my new crackberry:

For the rest of the night, all I heard was the tapping of nails - on countertops, walls, dishes, teeth - you name it, she tapped it. She investigated how to pick up things off the counter, how to keep her nails clean while eating, how to pose and throw up her hands in the mirror so that her 10 little daggers gleamed in the light of the bathroom. She was totally enjoying the sense of being what she considered to be a true woman.

The first little bit of nail awkwardness arrived at bedtime when she realized she could not longer suck her fingers. I was perfectly happy with this as it's a nasty habit the dentist and I are trying to break her of. She looked rather forlorn laying on the pillow and staring at me with big eyes.

"Mom, if I suck my fingers I might lose a nail, huh? That would really suck." She sounded a little upset at this and I smiled as she finally convinced herself to drift off to sleep.

The next morning, the next bit of reality sunk in when she realized how her life had been affected.

"Maaaooommm! How do I scratch the inside of my nose? How do I wipe my butt if I have to? I've poked myself in the eye three times and it hurts when I scratch my head. I've lost all personal hygiene!"

She honestly looked completely freaked out; eyes dilated, dry mouth, and lip quivering.

"I need these things off, NOW! I can't handle it anymore!"

And for the next hour, we soaked her hookah nails in polish remover until she was eventually able to pry her personal weapons from her fingertips and she was once again placed into the shoes of a little girl.

We've chatted a bit since this little round of drama, and she's decided that long nails are no longer her forte and she is happy to just live with her chewed on nail beds and cracked nails. It was a fun watching her with the nails because it reminded me of the old days, hanging out with my girlfriends and applying bright red Lee Press-On nails. I doubt I could get Taters to even go that route again - which is gonna save me a fortune :-).

Posted by Mommazilla at 03:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Because of my work schedule this week, lack of sleep, and otherwise out of this world consumption of caffeinated products and chocolate, today's posting will be a rambling list of observations. Bear with me :-)

1. I was informed by Taters that by telling your brother to hang salami on his ears in order for you to play hide-n-go-seek with him, is blackmail - not torture.

2. I bought a my first Blackberry and it's quickly taught me that I'm technologically stupid. The worse part is that I'm beginning to use the camera on it far more than my nice camera. And the pictures I'm taking? Completely lame but so much fun to send off and assault the visual senses of my friends.

3. I told Gunny today that we had run out of string cheese. He promptly screamed at me, "Oh tartar sauce!" I guess it's better than his usual, "gawd damwit!"

4. Piper the hyper decided to eat the whole plate of wet catfood rather than sharing it with Gracie. She did so by bringing half of it into my bed, on her paws and face, and leaving it in wet chunky streaks across my freshly laundered bedspread.

5. People are weird. I watched a gal drive thru Eureka the other day, with her passenger hanging out the window dumping out a gallon of milk onto the pavement. She was waving to passing cars and acting like she was sobbing. I guess she was proving that you can in fact, cry over spilt milk.

6. It was a full moon last night and the past couple of days have given us beautiful sunsets and awesome clouds. Too bad I've forgotten my camera each time.

7. I'm super excited at the prospect of traveling to Vegas in September. My sis-in-law and partner in crime is getting hitched and I might get to photograph the festivities. But then again, is photographic evidence the best thing in Vegas? However, I will be behind the camera and therefore, not in print...hmmm...

8. I watched with some interest, about the two reporters who were recently freed from North Korea. When one of the women commented that the first thing she saw when they opened the door to freedom was Bill Clinton, I think I personally may have slammed that door shut.

9. I got my first photo job based off my business card. I'm excited, nauseated, scared, eager, blah, blah, blah. I need to get off my arse and figure out what I'm gonna do with that expensive camera.

10. Gunny's latest addiction is armpit "fawts." I put my hand in his armpit while he wild flails around making fleshy fart sounds. Family bonding.

11. My photos are being judged this week (Humboldt County Fair). I'm a little nervous but more excited.

12. I ordered two new purses from Wilson's Leather. Like a fanatic, I've been checking my tracking number everyday. I can't believe I get so excited over purses. Geesh, I must be getting old.

13. I'm a total music addict lately. If you haven't checked it out, go to Pandora.com. You can pick the music you like, stream it, and it's completely free. Love it!

14. I had a "WTF?" moment after reading about the Pennsylvania gym shooting. Can we not be safe anywhere?

15. I'm so flippin' excited for school to start. Now if I could only find a home for Gunny for six hours a day. Maybe they'll be able to finally potty training him ;-).

How's your week going?

Posted by Mommazilla at 02:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I had the epiphany last night that Hubby and I are getting freakin' old. Maybe not an epiphany but at least a reminder since we've had quite a few of these moments lately, between the two of us.

After carefully finding and selecting an award winning babysitter to care for our spawn, and depositing the little heathens, we made our way down to Scotia to try out the new pub. We were aware there was a class reunion being held at the Scotia Inn but my inner recluse could not handle the amount of cars so we turned around and headed back towards the casino.

Dinner was great and it was nice eating at a pace not set by a rambunctious three year old. After dinner, we decided to donate to Bear River Casino so I headed to the penny slots while Hubby hit the tables. With my weak drink in hand, I placed myself in a chair next to a nicer looking older fellow who kinda resembled what Santa Claus might look like should he smoke and drink more than eggnog year round. I smiled politely and he smiled back, scooting his chair over to allow me more room. Cool, I thought to myself, at least he's not creepy.

I put my money in the machine and heard the man mumble something. I glanced at him and he commented that he hadn't had much luck but he liked the machine. I nodded in agreement, saying how fabulous I had heard his particular machine was. I then went back to my drink, slurping it down and trying to do the math in my head to place my bet. I had no flippin' clue if he was on a good machine or not but I certainly wasn't about to leave my Snow Globes - whom my BFF Sandruh swears by.

As I was finishing up my watery rum and contemplating how much further my twenty dollar bill would go, the Bad Santa next door struck up conversation:

Bad Santa: You know why I like this machine so much? It's the graphics. Look at this gal on here and listen to how she talks. She screamin' sex! And he winks at me.
Mommazilla: Yeah, you're right about that. Giving a sideways glance and avoiding eye contact.
Bad Santa: And look at these pirate fellers! Big muscles, sexy voices, and really gay! So much sex! He gives a hearty laugh and pokes at the screen with his nicotine stained finger.
Mommazilla: I had to look at that point - since he had peaked my interest. Wow! Those guys are great! Just like I like'm! I turned back to my machine hoping that would shut him up.
Bad Santa: He pauses and stares at me. Really? You like that?
Mommazilla: Uh huh (again not making eye contact). All women do. You must be playing a machine geared towards the ladies. But you seem to like it. I smile sweetly.

Bad Santa snorts at this point and mumbles something under his breath. About this time Hubby shows back up and takes his place next to me. Bad Santa stops the sexy talk and we leave a short time later, with him still at the machine. I later tell Hubby about our exchange and he agrees that Bad Santa was probably looking for a naughty elf for the night. Too bad I'm more like Mrs. Claus.

After the weirdness of the casino, we decided to go back to Scotia and crash the class reunion. It sounded so crazy - so adventurous - to crash someone elses' party. We were living on the wild side and I was ready - "Born to be wild" blaring through my head. As we pulled up, my Hubby instantly knew several of the drunken faces standing in the doorway. I did not so I made my way to the bar in order to make new friends. After about an hour and after having a new friend spill their drink down my back, we decided we were too old for the partying scene and left to return home.

We were home and in bed by 11:30PM. Childless, we almost immediately began snoring logs with the vision of sleeping in dancing through our heads. In a way, it sucks to be getting older and more mature. But then again, I won't be the one waking up with a sore liver and eye popping headache. Responsibility does have it's advantages.

Posted by Mommazilla at 10:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)