This is a repeat of a blog I posted about a year ago. I read about Farah Fawcett battling anal/colon cancer, and thought I'd post it again. No, it doesn't encourage your yearly colonoscopy but it is disgustingly funny.

A close family member (FM) has recently hit the age where the doctor feels it necessary to up the ante of their relationship; she wants dear 'ole FM to meet the rubber snake and get a colonoscopy. I wasn't with FM when the doc told him this but I could almost feel my own sphincter clenching up with sympathetic fear and dread. I agree that it's a great idea for him to go through the procedure because the evil "C" takes no prisoners. However, I could also see his point in that the idea of a tiny video camera getting snaked up your rectum, with several people in the room enjoying your anal experience in 3-D, is just a little wrong and unnerving. He really wasn't that interested in solidifying a solid and long lasting relationship with his doctor, but he agreed to do the procedure nonetheless.

The doc also mentioned that it would be a good idea for FM to go through an endoscopy as well, due to some stomach irritation and random bouts of projectile vomiting he had been experiencing. FM was reluctant at first but then the bargain shopper kicked in to help him clarify the situation. He asked the doc if a problem was located in either end, if they could go ahead and just fix it then and there, even if his sedation was only mild. He figured that he might get a two for one deal rather than having to take time out for further treatments and God forbid more surgeries. Of course, she told him that this was probably not going to happen and I had to chuckle, reminding him that you really shouldn't look for good deals when your dealing with someone who wants to stick something down your throat and up your anus. What happens if the bargain is made with the tubing? Certainly you'd hope that the throat video came first rather than vice versa.

I attempted to counsel FM by telling him that I've known several people who have went through this procedure and they have professed that the worst part about the whole thing is the super turbo laxative workout you do the day before. The doctor evidently wants your little sphincter and colon so clean that he or she could practically serve a four course dinner on it, with perhaps room for dessert. I told FM that this wasn't such a big deal and that he could just look forward to losing enough water weight that he might once again fit into that banana hammock he was so fond of - that is of course, as long as he could tuck the hemmies in that he was surely to aggravate with the powerful screaming colon cleanse. With that thought, he seemed to settle down just a bit and settled into the notion that he was going to be subjected to what a muppet feels like on a daily basis. And the fact that he won't be able to trust his farts for at least a few days.

The countdown to the big Roto Rooter draining cleaning event is slated for the mid part of March and FM is slowly getting used to the idea that for at least a couple of hours, his colon and upper GI will be the hit of the party. No, Katie Couric won't be there to tape his monumentous occasion, but FM promised that he'd ask for a personal copy of the tape to show at his next football party. In all seriousness, I'm glad that he's having this done because following lung cancer, colorectal cancer is the second leading cause of cancer death in the US. By "ass"king the right questions, "ass"uming he's doing the right thing, and simply "ass"cending into a state of personal awaren"ass", he's helping to lower those statistics. Yes, I had to throw some Jim Carrey via Ace Ventura potty humor, *butt* why wouldn't I? :o)