Orgasmic Birth? I Think Not.
***** Warning: This posting is about my thoughts on the the good, bad, and ugly of childbirth. Should you be offended by talk of girly parts, orgasms and nudity, you might want to go here instead. *****
A couple of weeks ago, I watched an episode of "The Doctors" where they were talking about a variety of things including the topic of "orgasmic birth." A recent documentary (now on DVD) came out discussing the idea that birth could be many things including:
* Sensual (well, you are naked)
* Stimulating (yeah, it hurts)
* Blissful (once the epidural kicks in)
* Ecstasy (you're super duper happy once it's over)
* I almost can't write this... Orgasmic.
On a side note, the DVD also discusses a variety of ways for a couple to embrace and enjoy the birth of their child - it's not just about orgasms and rainbows.
I can tell you, without any sort of doubt in my mind, that I did not find the process of childbirth to be an orgasmic experience. Not once did I mistake the pain of contractions and the stretching of my nether regions to be equivalent to something I'd want to experience everyday. The elusive "birthgasm" fairy did not enter the L&D room during any of my three births - although most of my family, cousins, friends, and distant neighbors got a good girly parts shot during the birth of Taterbug. It seems that you lose a lot of modesty during the pushing part - or at least I did.
The documentary basically explains that if you relax enough during labor, and allow your body's natural abilities to kick in, you can possibly experience more pleasure than pain during labor. When you take fear out of the equation, women and their partners tend to have a much more satisfying birth. You know what? I totally agree with this concept and think that a relaxed body is much more capable of pushing out a watermelon through a straw. With my third birth I was so much more satisfied (gosh - maybe not the best word to use in this posting) than my first and it was mainly because I knew what was going on with my body and I was so much more relaxed. I knew I wasn't going to die even though I felt like the victim of an "Alien" movie.
The orgasm part is thrown in when the documentary mentions how the baby coming down the birth canal is essentially mimicking what the penis does in the vagina, causing some lucky ladies to have the big "O." After all, your special spots are still up and active even during the birth of a child. I don't know about you, but I can't imagine having sex with an eight pound penis for 12+ hours just to see if I can have elicit an orgasm. There are much easier ways to achieve this but I'll let you figure that one out by yourself.
My question is, can a woman really relax enough to have the big "O" during labor? The DVD showed couples who were kissing, giving massages, and even *gasp* having sex during labor. They were doing this in order to make the situation more comfortable and soothing to all parties involved. Maybe I'm strange, but the last thing on the face of the Earth I wanted during labor was to have my Hubby touch me in an intimate way. It was his fault I was in pain and it was his fault that I would forever be marked by hideous stretch marks that towards the end, began to form sentences across my distended belly.
Personally, the only parts I found relaxing in labor were minimal at best; the one minute gap in between hard contractions when I faked like I was sleeping so the nurses wouldn't make me push - that was kinda relaxing. And when I bobbed around in the labor tub (hugely pregnant woman do not sink in water) feeling like a gigantic blonde porpoise - yeah, that was nice but mostly embarrassing - especially to the lab gal who had to draw my blood in the tub since I refused to get out. I truly hope we never meet again.
Several of these like-minded sites have been calling the "birthgasm" the "best-kept secret" during labor and delivery. I would say that most of these articles are being written by men. Do you truly want to know the "best-kept secret" in L&D? Well, let me tell yah, I have a few and it involves the many magical fairies you'll find in L&D:
* If the Birthgasm Fairy doesn't make an entrance, her distant cousin the Poop Fairy probably will.
* The Poop Fairy normally likes to travel with company so she'll typically bring along her sister, the Hemorrhoid Fairy, to stay post partum.
* While the word "episiotomy" kinda sounds cheery and fun - it's not. Also referred to as the "Emo Fairy" since she tends to be a cutter.
* Occasionally, the Vomit Fairy will make a special visit, just about the time when the really hard labor sets in. She's very brief with her visits but will leave a long lasting impression on all those near her.
* Then you have the B.C. Fairy (otherwise known as the Blood Clot Fairy - she likes to keep it short and simple) who brings you many gifts for weeks after. Definitely one of the most generous out of all the fairies that will visit you.
* And finally, who can forget the mother of all fairies, Post Partum Fairy. She's the one who brings you the saggy, squishy belly, engorged boobs, and the overall feeling of helplessness that a new parent gets holding a squawking newborn.
In conclusion... You gotta gotta do whatcha gotta do when you're in labor. If it's drugs you want? So be it, back up the epidural wagon and load that syringe up. Natural birth in the middle of a cow pasture with several Holsteins in attendance? More power to you. I totally agree and embrace the idea that the mother and father should try and control the birthing experience as much as safely possible. I just don't equate sexual pleasure with labor and the idea of an orgasm during the most painful (albeit AWESOME) experience of my life, as something plausible. My births hurt like hell but I wouldn't trade them for the world!
Here's the trailer to the DVD if you're interested in taking a closer look:
Comments
I laughed especially at the vomit fairy (though I never--thank god--had a visit from her). I used to say the say things but my third birth while not exactly orgasmic was pretty amazing and beautiful. It was like I was on some wonderful happy place even though I was in pain mostly I was in bliss. The duala told me that of all the births she'd ever been to this was the most beautiful and happy. The difference. I did it my way and I had a midwife who supported that and I was really lucky!
Posted by: kymk | February 16, 2009 11:09 PM
I enjoyed the Disney site, thanks!
P.S. You are right - those articles have to havebbeen written by men. And presumably by men who weren't sworn at by their partners while holding their hands and uttering soothing noises.
Posted by: ScriptorSenex | February 17, 2009 01:09 AM
LMAO!!!!!!!! The Emo Fairy!!!!!!
Okay, I, too, had no massive orgasmic experience. It truly does feel like having the world's biggest poop and the relief once you push it out is HUGE, but NOT orgasmic.
I never had the Emo Fairy visit me. I pushed too fast and tore the crap out of myself. My own little slice of heaven (no pun intended).
Both my births were like this. "I'm going to have the baby NOW. Get the doctor"
Nurse response: "Oh, I'm sure it's just gas."
Two minutes later. "Oh my God, you're in labor."
I usually kept my "No shit, Sherlock" to myself. Twenty minutes later, I blew out a kid.
I didn't fool around, man.
Posted by: Jennifer McKenzie | February 17, 2009 03:55 AM
Ok after having three of my own children (one at home with Paul catching) I really feel like I missed out!! I NEED to get pregnant right now just to have one last chance to DO IT RIGHT!!! I mean there was lots of moaning sure but not in ecstasy, lots of rubbing and kissing but NOT sexual by any means! In fact if he even once tried to be sexual with me during such a time I think that would've been the absolute last time he ever touched me again! I must admit I feel like I had to have done it wrong if some women find it orgasmic but when I think about the 49 births I have witnessed, each of those women did it wrong too...there wasn't one woman there that was even close to an orgasmic state but they were all sober too...perhaps those orgasmic births were stoned? hehe!
I know this might be a controversial topic but boy am I curious of the feedback you are getting from it! :)
Posted by: Tracey | February 17, 2009 08:07 AM
Well, it's so nice to see that I wasn't the only one left out with the Birthgasm. John - I'm glad you took the warning and went to Disney! Kym, your birth sounds amazing. I considered my third birth to be the same and I also had a doula (Tracey). Jen - ouch! You seriously had me cracking up! Tracey - I'm glad you feel the same. I was hoping you'd pipe in with your opinion since you are the world's best doula :-).
Posted by: Sandi | February 17, 2009 09:12 AM
Thank you for the wonderful words and for posting the comments!! Jennifer's cracked me up! lol :)
Posted by: Tracey | February 17, 2009 10:20 AM
I am all for natural births, how ever the mom wants to do it, it is her choice.. That video clip and just the idea of orgasmic births is hilarious! I'm guessing the women "experts" in the clip never actually gave birth and the other opinions are those of a man! Men will try and make any situation that involves a naked woman something sexual! With child number one I had visits from the "vomit fairy" with every contraction, don't think I missed one. I was hurling nothing but the ice chips they were stuffing down me and I was going through bags of IV fluids like crazy. Since I was lucky enough to end up with a c-section the B.C. Fairy was much nicer to me, who knew they sucked all that out while they were elbow deep in my belly! Defintely a plus to dealing with a section. I can see why Sandi is longing to do all that again, maybe this time you can get a 10 pounder and a orgasim!
Posted by: Wendy | February 17, 2009 02:13 PM
BWHA-HAHAHAHA, You hit a nail on this one, didn't you? Where in the world did you hear about this dvd? You forgot the pain in your back fairey- The one who gives you horrible (and i mean) HORRIBLE back labor!!! Somehow, the word ORGASISM didn't come to mind with my first child- and some how I don't see my husband touching me in a way that invovles pleasure while having our next child. Gee can you imagine that being put in the baby album- "how did you deliver"? Orgasmic! Some how I am pretty sure the school systems won't allow that in the baby album board!
Posted by: Trying4two99 | February 17, 2009 03:24 PM
lol @ the 'emo fairy'!!
You forgot the 'someone poured concrete in my bra fairy' that makes your boobs hard as rocks (and quite painful) 3 days postpartum!
Jennifer - We have the same labor!! Mine is pretty much like this:
Me - "THE BABY IS COMING OUT."
Nurse - "No, it's not honey, your labor just started.....OH CRAP! SOMEONE CATCH THAT BABY!!"
Posted by: Rebecca | February 17, 2009 03:49 PM
Yep! Those people are plum-m-m-m-m crazy!
Wouldn't it be nice, though?
Posted by: Rose | February 17, 2009 05:42 PM
LMAO! Yeah, I was no where CLOSE to being orgasmic while I was in labor! And actually having sex during labor???? Hmmmph! Certainly not with the father of my almost-born child!
I must watch this dvd now.
Posted by: greedygrace | February 17, 2009 09:51 PM
Yep, those fairies stopped by to see me as well although in Santa Cruz, they subjected you to a pre-labor enema. It seemed "WTF?!" at the time but that was one time I didn't have to worry about a visit from the Poop Fairy.
I agree that maybe someone's husband mistook growls and yells and "give me more" (drugs) for the BIG O - Anything put near my hands when I was in labor would've been squeezed clean off. Promise!
Posted by: beachcomber | February 18, 2009 07:30 AM
My God! I love the crazy people! I found you on my blog today & I love your blog already! You are so funny.
Posted by: sohumborn | February 21, 2009 06:35 AM
Oh, I had a visit from most of those fairies too (most definitely not the orgasmic one.) I would call natural childbirth the most incredible experience of my life, but right after it was over I was saying, "I'm so glad I did it naturally, but I'm sure glad I never have to do it again." (Unless we get blessed with a little "surprise" at some point....)
Posted by: Beth | March 2, 2009 06:11 AM
It doesn't seem likely that a woman who loves a man, and who knows the truth about labor pain and decides to experience it anyway, would blame him. It seems even less likely that pooping or vomiting is a standard part of the experience. You cannot dispel a myth by starting others.
Designed by men? Not necessarily. Claiming to have seen (or if applicable, experienced)a "birth orgasm", or to have been abducted by aliens, or to have turned into a panther, or any number of things, is not a gender issue. It's an issue of delusion and insanity that ordinarily never makes it into the plausibility sector.
Having gotten this far, the "birth orgasm" myth is no longer excusable by insanity. It is now a deliberate lie. I cannot be sure, but I suspect that the Anthroposophists are behind it.
There are no fairies. There is just the fact that it is painful, that we know simply because it always has been and nothing has changed. You don't need to regale us with stories of poop and vomit. You need only point out basic logic, that a human body is still a human body.
Every part of the body can have experiences that are good or bad, with nothing being able to switch them. (Don't tell me that men have an exception. I have had a stent put in me to help me pass a kidney stone, and a catheter to collect the bloody urine, and I can assure you that men do not get fairies either!!!)
The pain is not a foundational blur that needs to be preached away from disappearance. It is a perpetual bane that needs to be mollified on all fronts, both technical and spiritual.
Alternative medicine helps people in many ways, but on the subject of birth, it stubbornly insists on denying reality, and giving women the same old "it's all in your head" speech. (Strange, 30 years ago this was something doctors did. Now it's gone to the anti-doctors. Politics is weird.) I gather, from the link to Disney, rather than a church or something, that you're motivated by genuine logic. Something both honest and constructive needs to be said about birth. Please consider the role you could play in this.
Posted by: Collin | March 24, 2009 11:00 PM