Via "Elf On The Shelf." This kooky little kit is the perfect way to promote peace and happiness amongst your children...at least until Christmas arrives. Heck, you could probably even use it on your significant other if they still profess their love for Santa. Remember, if you still believe, you'll get more presents.

The full kit costs about $30 and it comes in a special box that you can personalize on the front with a message. Within the kit, you get a freaky looking elf, a hardbound book, and a carrying case to keep the elf during his off time.

After you open it, your supposed to name your elf (our guy is Elfred) and then allow your children to look and talk to him, but not touch him. I guess elves are weird about their personal space and I'm not sure if they bite or what not, so just play it safe and keep their grimy little fingers off. I think the book says something nice like the elf's recording feature will reset and erase all Christmas wishes if you touch it. I like my gruesome version better.

After you've named and ogled Merv the Perv (did I mention how creepy that little elf looks, seriously - you be the judge)...

Read the book. It explains the tradition in kid terms and it's actually a cute little story. It says every night the elf magically transports itself back to the North Pole to deliver messages and his observations to Santa Claus. Children are supposed to talk to the elf (but remember, don't touch the elf hence you face losing a finger or two, Chucky style) and let him know what they want for Christmas. Wise parents can stay within earshot and use the information accordingly.

In our home, the kids have turned Elfred into the tattling God. Rather than threatening to tell Mommazilla or Hubby, I hear:

"Sissy! I'm gonna tell Elfred and you won't get nothin' for Chwistmas!"

Or:

"I'm gonna grab your hand and touch Elfred so he'll forget what you want for Christmas!"

It's kinda nice. He gets the brunt of the verbal punishment while I get to sit back and watch. He never asks for my opinion and I don't offer him any parenting advice. I really don't want to step on any little turned up toes.

Every night, Merv hides himself (with the aid of a parent) and the next morning, the kids have to find him, but again - no touching. It would be tragic to have them missing fingers for Christmas. Ultimately, it turns into a big fun game of elf blackmail. I've found having a direct line to Santa Clause is a powerful tool in the art of blackmail.

I'm not sure what I'm gonna do when it's time to say goodbye to Elfred. I'm really losing some leverage with the monsters and this makes me scared. I was thinking of some possible substitutes in the meanwhile. Like, "Midge on the Fridge." I could use some nasty old baby doll that would have a direct link back to the queen of some trailer park and if the kids misbehaved, no more pork rinds or soda pop. Now that's punishment. Or how about "Thor on the Floor?" I have some old He-Man dolls that I could substitute and if the kids were little turds, He-Man could report directly back to Skeletor and cause them to be banished from Grayskull. And just for information, He-Man was not a doll; he was an action figure - so Uncle R, you can feel better now.

I doubt that any of my suggestions will get my anywhere but I will give myself a pat on the back for trying. Anything you can do to stay ahead of your children is a good thing - especially at Christmas time.