Dear Neighbor,

Rather than go over and chew your frickin' head off, I thought I'd draft you a cheery little note to let you know how I feel about your current days' worth of celebrations. I know today was beautiful and sunny and there was a huge beer drinking event at the park that you and your fifty best redneck friends participated in. I can only imagine you wore your best jeans and pressed button down shirt and hell, you probably even showered and slathered on some Brut. But for chriminy's sake, let me slap you with a bucketful of sobriety for just a moment 'cuz there's some things we need to talk about:

Issue #1:

Yes, I would have liked, no probably loved, to have participated in the festival of beer lovin' but some of us have to work (and sleep) on weekends. So tell the little schat, who keeps honking his insanely loud horn that doesn't even match up with his rinky dink pick-up, that he's going to be eating the steering column the next time he honks. There is no need to honk to the tunes blasting out your single wide, most people just sing along and that works fine for me.

Issue #2:

No, I don't really like your music, especially when I can hear and feel it in my own house. And no, I really don't think you're that good of a singer even though you're belting out Hank Williams Jr. tunes at the top of your lungs. You're friends are lying to you. They think you suck too. The guy with the free beer is always king of the party.

Issue #3:

No, parking four-wheelers at the back of the beer drinkin' event rather than taking your hopped up 4X4 is not considered to be utilizing a designated driver. A drunk is a drunk and a vehicle is a vehicle. This manner of drunk driving does not make sense but again, I'm sober and my views maybe skewed. And thanks for not wearing a helmet as your flying down the street at 30+ miles an hour. I award you and your friends a Darwin award to share.

Issue #4:

If you place a tent in your yard, it is not considered to be an addition to your house. Therefore, you may take it down rather than leaving it up all year with a tarp as a snow roof. I fear if it stays up another year, the county of Humboldt may start charging you extra property taxes.

Issue #5:

Is it really that good of an idea to have a large bonfire with that many redneck drunks breathing on it and stumbling around? Any why must they sing until 4AM? Just remember, with a flick of a porch light, I will have my serenading roosters begin their morning choir practice as soon as I hear your drunken snores.

My sweet, dear neigbor, thank you for listening to my concerns. I truly love you and your buddies for just about 350 days out of the year but the other 15 days consist of me contemplating pushing your home (which still has wheels) into the creek to be washed away to another neighborhood. Take care.

Sincerely,

Mommazilla