and I'm sad, actually sadness doesn't even touch it. I've never had this sort of raw, gut kicking pain that seems to almost pulse with every breath I take. I want to scream, cry, and hug this person close but I don't want him to know how bad I'm actually freaking out inside. I need to be strong for him and my kiddos; I may be losing a dad but they're losing their Grandpa D.

The doc was great today, very compassionate and happy that we had filled her tiny room with the whole family. She said things like "four hot tumors," "fast growing small cells," and further testing involving "biopsies" and big "needles". I think I pretty much shut down and let me eyeballs burst as soon as I heard her say:

Yes, it's cancer.

The tumors he had three weeks ago have almost doubled in size since the first scan. They're aggressive little buggars and in normal circumstances, he'd be happy that his body was acting so young and virile. Unfortunately, it's the creepy little destructive organism that's being so active and destroying his lungs and invading his body.

She told us that further testing will tell us what sort of cancer he has. Yes, more hurry up and wait, but that elephant in the closet needs a name and she's going to find it for us. She assures us that the rest of his current PET (Positron Emission Tomography) scan looked o.k. and that it didn't appear any other areas of his body had been affected. When she said this, I kind of chuckled to myself as I had recently seen an episode on the TV show House where they talked about a patient having weird knee pain due to breast cancer cells that had spread. Who'd of thunk it? Those pesky little cells can travel and vacation in other organs. Good for them, bad for us.

So now we wait. The biopsy will tell us which form of cancer he has and how it should be treated. She's already informed us that because of the number of tumors, it's inoperable. If it's lung cancer, they have four to choose from. If it's anything else, then we'll have to wait and see.

I love my dad and consider him to be one of my biggest supporters - even when I've taken risks that he wasn't initially too fond of. He's been there to push me on and to call me back in, both as a kid and a grown-up. Most importantly, he's truly the bestest Bampa a kid could ask for, just ask Gun-Gun.

I hate waiting and seeing and I've pretty much explained that in previous posts. But, since time is not so much on our side anymore, the waiting and seeing portion seem to be a little less tolerable. Thanks for listening.