I was feeling especially cantankerous this morning when I got my coffee and rather than having verbal diarrhea of the mouth, I decided to compose myself on paper via laptop. I recently read that a not so local coffee chain recently underwent training on how to better make their coffee and grind their beans - yeah for them. The kicker is that along with this training came role playing sessions on how to better create small talk with their customers. While I truly appreciate the efforts they are taking in improving the flavor of my false happiness in a cup, I could care less if my own personal coffee guru knows how to properly ask me about my day, children, marriage issues, or even occasional bouts of spontaneous verbal assaults towards awkward participants of stilted conversations.

I’m in their drive-thru at 5:30 AM for one reason, and one reason only; to make my world a better place by injecting myself with two to three shots of liquid gold (a.k.a. caffeine). In case they didn’t notice, I normally don’t choose to get up at that indecent hour, but the person who signs my check says it's a good time so I play their game accordingly. I am kind and courteous to the people who take my order but then I just want them to go away. Shut the sliding window…Walk back to the counter…And make my freakin’ coffee before I seriously lapse into a coma due to lack of appropriate caffeine levels! Argh!!! Even if that’s not your job, give positive words of encouragement to the person who is making me my happiness. Egg them on into quick espresso completion! Don’t try to hold my dismal attention by asking me where I’m going or what I plan on doing today. Remember, this is pre-caffeine surge and not post – your answers will greatly differ and I’m sure you’d prefer the latter. We don't need to start a relationship or even become BFF's, I just want my coffee - yesterday, rather than now, for that matter.

Ultimately, while I do appreciate good customer service and I will pay more for a friendly face rather than a grumpy one, I do not need to be coddled or entertained while I’m waiting for the precise thing that makes me accept life as it is. You already have greeted me and you have my money. You took my last four dollars so I can't spend anymore. And I promise that I’ll come back within a few days for my next cup. You just better make sure that you tell me good bye when I leave or I might consider this to be a deal breaker.

In summary, dearest coffee person, I promise you that I'm fine sitting or standing, just waiting for my positivity in a mug. We don't need to have stimiulating conversation for me to enjoy my coffee that much more. Besides, sometimes you look a little weird trying to make up things to say. Maybe even like your in pain and surely that's not the case or I don't really want you touching my coffee. And remember, I live with two screaming bamboons and one laughing hyena, and you’ll see why I consider silence to be golden.