In my never ending quest to get Uncle R some female companionship and my children a satisfactory new auntie; I strongly encouraged Uncle R to have a profile on an active social networking site. He eventually took my advice but only after I promised to keep it updated and take sassy photos of him and his new toys whenever he felt it necessary to boost his viewings. I also agreed to help him peruse through some of the psycho e-mails he would occasionally receive from lonely cougars and the occasional MILF, so that I could offer a more nurturing wording to his rejection e-mails (why he asked me, I don't know - I'm not the most nurturing broad in the world). I readily agreed with the details of our verbal contract and set him up with SWEET profile, if I do say so myself. It was like I was living vicariously through Uncle R's profile; no kids, no hubby, and lots of room to make myself, um, I mean Uncle R, look totally bitchin'.

The views climbed steadily each day and he would receive random comments from interested women. One such woman was...

OK, OK, before I get into this any farther, let's just imagine that the following actually happened (wink, wink) and maybe this conversation actually occurred in real life, although the names have been changed in order to protect the innocent and to also save Uncle R from a trip to the second floor of the courthouse in order to obtain his Temporary Restraining Order packet.

..."Dungeness" (like the crab, get it?). No, that's not her screen name, but I think it sounds close to it and in my opinion, might go alone with what you'd get should he choose to date her. Dungeness is a very aggressive woman and she's been chasing my buddy around with numerous sexy e-mails and comments. He finally gave into her persistent advances and provided her with his phone number.

Flip forward to the next day...He's working and receives "the call." Unknown number and an unknown husky cigarette female sounding voice, complete with that smoker's deep throaty lung rattling laugh.

Dungeness: Is this Uncle R?
Uncle R: Yeah, who's this?
Dungeness: It's Dungeness.
Brief, uncomfortably boring conversation ensues that I won't bore you with.
Uncle R: So, your profile says that you like hunting? Did you make it out this year?
Dungeness: No (deep phlegmy laugh)! That damn restraining order made me lose my guns. But don't worry though; it won't stand up when I go to court.
Uncle R: Oh, OK. Not a violent offense I hope (nervous chuckle ensues). Yeah, well, what do you do for a living?
Dungeness: Well, I'm, uh, sorta in between jobs right now.
Uncle R: That's too bad. Hope you find something soon.
Awkward silence.
Dungeness: You're not a cop right? I thought you had some cop stuff on your page.
Uncle R: No, in a past life I had some ties. Would that be a problem if I was?
Dungeness: Let's just say that I don't live my life along the straight and narrow, if ya know what I mean (chronic phlegmy laugh, lung rattling sounds ensue).
Uncle R: Oh, OK? That's nice for you. Well, gotta go, my cellphone service is (made-up cell phone noise) really (more made-up cell phone noise) bad in this (made-up cell phone noise) area. Bye!

Uncle R is left lying in the fetal position, sucking his thumb and asking for his momma. He learned what a disaster she was in only seven minutes. He then realizes she still has his number so the adventure is still not quite over.

Poor Uncle R is going to keep looking and I think you can see why. I got quite the chuckle out of his adventure and I'm sure he will too, once he figures out how to block her number from his cell phone and peruses the court calendar to see what her restraining order was actually for. I thank God every day that I'm married and don't need to worry about dating. I also remind hubby everyday of how lucky he is to have a woman like me and not like the Dungeness crabs that invade our social circles.

I'm not even ready to give up the search for the perfect "lady" for Uncle R (emphasis on the "lady" aspect) but I'm trying to take a more "bystanding" view rather than as an active dating screener. I know my role so it's time to shut my hole - according to Uncle R and his weird friend Stomper. Uncle R will eventually find the right one for him and more than likely, it won't be by picking up a female hitchhiker on the information super highway.