Every Day Dad book signing
Saturday December 18th from 12-3pm at Borders Books in Eureka CA.
You are now invited to come on by and get a signed book.
Saturday December 18th from 12-3pm at Borders Books in Eureka CA.
You are now invited to come on by and get a signed book.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
LOCAL DAD AND AUTHOR DOING A BOOK SIGNING AT BORDERS BOOKS, BAYSHORE MALL, EUREKA, CA
New father guide uses business strategies to help dads parent successfully
Every Day Dad: The Guide to Becoming a Better Father
by Scott Hammond shows fathers how to be more effective parents
HUMBOLDT COUNTY, Calif. – Every Day Dad: The Guide to Becoming a Better Father by Scott Hammond will be doing a book signing Saturday December11TH FROM 12-3pm at Borders Books in the Bayshore Mall, Eureka CA.
Hammond mentors fathers on how to attain their personal best in parenting while creating a legacy of love and support with their families
Filled with real life stories and personal anecdotes, Hammond’s Every Day Dad seeks to offer hundreds of quick relief, motivational tips to inspire change and growth to make fathering a more positive experience. Addressing all the challenges and stresses of parenthood, Hammond uses his business consulting acumen to teach readers skills to better connect with family, friends and oneself.
Hammond lays out steps to help dads transform good intentions into positive actions. Besides learning how to listen more effectively, he shows fathers how to manage their time and resources to ensure that kids get the bonding they need. Designed to be hands-on and easy to use, Every Day Dad treats fathering as an applied science, which can be learned.
Says Jim Tunney, author, educator and former NFL referee, “Now comes along Scott Hammond's book with lessons that, with effort (yes, it requires EFFORT) puts fatherhood in excellent perspective for your success.”
Every Day Dad: The Guide to Becoming a Better Father is available for sale online at Amazon.com and at Borders Books in Eureka, and other channels.
About the Author
Scott Hammond is professional speaker and the father of nine children. Recognized as a parenting expert, he is the creator of Becomeabetterfather.com. After earning his bachelor of art’s degree in recreation administration and liberal arts at Humboldt State University, he worked in radio, newspaper and advertising sales for over 28 years. He is a graduate of Pro-Track, the National Speakers Association of Northern California’s professional speaking school.
MEDIA CONTACT:
Scott Hammond
E-mail: scott@becomeabetterfather.com
sjhammond@suddenlink.net
Use Your Kids as a Gym by Leo Babauta (Zenhabits.net)
Minimalist fitness: use your kids as a gym
Post written by Leo Babauta.
I’m a big subscriber to using whatever you can find to work out: pullups on trees, throw big boulders, flip logs or big tires, jump over things, sprint up hills (see Minimalist Fitness, part 1 & part 2).
As a parent and a minimalist, I’d like to share my ultimate minimalist workout secret: my kids are my gym.
Fellow parents, if you’re not doing this yet, I can’t recommend it highly enough. How are they my gym? Instead of paying hundreds of dollars (even thousands) a year for a gym, I use my kids to get in shape.
How? Every way I can, but here’s a few:
I carry them on my shoulders as we walk around town.
We race each other to the corner, sprinting. Often up hills.
I do pushups with them on my back.
I lift them up in the air — it’s like lifting weights.
I’ll let them hang on me as I do chinups.
We climb and jump around in the playground.
We play with the soccer ball — getting lots of sprints in as we do.
We jump around in the ocean. A great workout.
We wrestle.
We challenge each other to do pistols (one-legged squats) or handstand pushups (what they sound like). Mostly we can’t, but it’s fun.
We do lunges while walking up a hill.
I carry them slung across my shoulders — a fireman’s carry — which is a great workout btw.
I’ll carry one on my back, piggy-back style, while racing another kid up a hill. Yes, I love hills.
Awesomer than a gym
So why is this so awesome?
1. We bond. Instead of spending time away from the kids at a gym, I spend time with them. And get a great workout in throughout the day. It’s two birds, one stone, saving time while helping me bond with my kids.
2. Work becomes play. It’s not exercise, it’s not a workout, it’s *play*. And that’s a whole different ballgame. Play is fun, it’s challenging, it’s easy, and yet it’s a great way to get in shape.
3. No cost. OK, kids aren’t cheap — but I have them anyway, so why not use them? I’m saving money and getting fit — that’s all kinds of win.
4. I’m being a role model. Kid learn most of all from what they see others doing, especially their parents. You can tell them things all day long, but unless they see you doing it, you’re not teaching them much. When we go to the gym, they don’t see us working out. When we workout as we play with them, they’re learning how to be healthy, and that is a gift that will last a lifetime.
5. It’s a lifestyle. I don’t work out at one time during the day, and then stay sedentary the rest of the day. It’s all throughout the day, every day, which means it’s woven into my life, not a small segment of my life. This is what a healthy lifestyle looks like.
6. It’s functional. When you do a bicep curl with a dumbbell, you’re making a motion that you never would do in real life — when have you ever lifted something heavy while keeping your upper arm fixed to your torso? Instead, when we lift heavy things, we bend at the knees, and use our legs, our torso, our shoulders, our arms — basically most of our body at once. When I lift my kids, that’s the same motion I’d use to lift anything else. Functional exercise is much more useful than isolated lifts.
Working out using my kids as equipment is the best thing I’ve done with my fitness. It’s fun, so I never want to stop. It’s functional, it’s cheap, and best of all, I get to do it with my kids. I love it.
You just broke your child. Congratulations by Dan Pearce
You just broke your child. Congratulations.
Dads. Stop breaking your children. Please.
I feel a need to write this post after what I witnessed at Costco yesterday. Forgive me for another post written in desperation and anger. Please read all the way to the end. I know it’s long, but this is something that needs to be said. It’s something that needs to be heard. It’s something that needs to be shared.
As Noah and I stood in line to make a return, I watched as a little boy (he couldn’t have been older than six) looked up at his dad and asked very timidly if they could buy some ice cream when they were done. The father glared him down, and through clenched teeth, growled at the boy to “leave him alone and be quiet”. The boy quickly cowered to the wall where he stood motionless and hurt for some time.
The line slowly progressed and the child eventually shuffled back to his father as he quietly hummed a childish tune, seemingly having forgotten the anger his father had just shown. The father again turned and scolded the boy for making too much noise. The boy again shrunk back and cowered against the wall, wilted.
I was agitated. I was confused. How could this man not see what I see? How could this man not see what a beautiful spirit stood in his shadow? How could this man be so quick to stub out all happiness in his own boy? How could this man not cherish the only time he’ll ever have to be everything to this boy? To be the person that matters most to this boy?
We were three from the front now, and the boy started to come towards his dad yet again. His dad immediately stepped out of the line, jammed his fingers into his son’s collar bones until he winced in pain, and threatened him. “If you so much as make a sound or come off of that wall again, I promise you’re going to get it when we get home.” The boy again cowered against the wall. This time, he didn’t move. He didn’t make a sound. His beautiful face pointed down, locked to the floor and expressionless. He had been broken. And that’s how his father wanted it. He didn’t want to deal with him, and breaking him was the easiest way.
And we wonder why so many of our kids grow up to be screwed up.
I’m going to be blunt. People see my relationship with Noah, and quite often put me up on a pedestal or sing my praises for loving him more than most dads love their own kids.
Damn it. I don’t understand that, and I’ll never understand that. Loving my son, building my son, touching my son, playing with my son, being with my son… these aren’t tasks that only super dads can perform. These are tasks that every dad should perform. Always. Without fail. There is nothing special about me. I am a dad who loves his son and would literally do anything for his well-being, safety, and health. I would gladly take a rake in the face or a jackhammer to my feet before I cut my own son down or make him feel small.
[sigh] I am far from a perfect dad. And I always will be. But I’m a damn good dad, and my son will always feel bigger than anything life can throw at him. Why? Because I get it. I get the power a dad has in a child’s life, and in a child’s level of self-belief. I get that everything I ever do and ever say to my son will be absorbed, for good or for bad. What I don’t get is how some dads don’t get it.
Dads. Do your faces light up when you first see your child in the morning or when you come home from work? Do you not understand that a child’s entire sense of value can revolve around what they see in your face when you first see them?
Dads. Do you not realize that a child is what you tell them they are? That people almost always become what they are labeled? Was whatever your child just did really the “dumbest thing you’ve ever seen somebody do”? Was it really the “most ridiculous thing they ever could have done”? Do you really believe that your child is an idiot? Because she now does. Think about that. Because you said it, she now believes it. Bravo.
Dads. Do you honestly expect anybody to believe that you can’t find 20 minutes to step away from your computer or turn off the television to play with your child? It has to happen every single day. Do you not understand that children will hinge their entire facet of trust on whether or not their dad plays with them and how involved he is when he plays with them? Do you know the damage you do by not playing with your children every day?
Dads. Should anybody buy into this silly notion that anger is sometimes or often necessary? Do you not understand that anger is almost always an emotion for people who wish to control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves? Do you not know that there are incredible books and courses that can teach you better methods? Most importantly, do you not see the speed at which a child is crushed or becomes completely defiant when anger rules the roost? Are you that desensitized to the luminosity of your child’s spirit that it doesn’t crush you completely when they flinch or cower in your presence? Is that really what you want your child to do? To fear you?
Dads. Do you not realize that your child needs to feel your skin on his? Do you not realize the incredible and powerful bond that skin on skin contact with your daughter will give you? Do you not understand the permanent mental connections that are made when you stroke your son’s bare back or rub your daughter’s bare tummy while you tell bedtime stories? And if any idiot says anything about that being inappropriate, you’re gonna get kicked in the face, first by me, and then by every other good dad out there. Touching your child is your duty as a father.
Dads. Wake up! These precious souls that have been put into your care are unique and so very sensitive. Everything you say or don’t say will impact their ability, success, and happiness throughout their entire lives.
Do you not realize that your kids are going to make mistakes, and a lot of them? Do you not realize the damage you do when you push your son’s nose into his mishaps or make your daughter feel worthless because she bumped or spilled something? Do you have any idea how easy it is to make your child feel abject? It’s as simple as letting out the words, “why would you do that!?” or “how many times have I told you…”
Let me ask you this. Have you ever looked into the swollen eyes of a parent who’s child has just died?
I have.
Have you ever cried through a child’s funeral?
I have.
Have you ever touched a wooden box with a child inside? A permanent tomb from which another laugh or giggle will never sound?
I have.
If you want the motivation to be the best parent on earth, do that just one time. I pray you never have to.
Dads. It’s time to tell our kids that we love them. Constantly. It’s time to show our kids that we love them. Constantly. It’s time to take joy in their twenty-thousand daily questions and their inability to do things as quickly as we’d like. It’s time to take joy in their quirks and their ticks. It’s time to take joy in their facial expressions and their mispronounced words. It’s time to take joy in everything that our kids are.
It’s time to stand up and ask what we can do to be better dads. It’s time to get our priorities straight. It’s time to come home and actually be a dad.
Dads. It’s time to show our sons how to properly treat a woman. It’s time to show our daughters how a girl should expect be treated. It’s time to show forgiveness and compassion. It’s time to show our children empathy. It’s time to break social norms and teach a healthier way of life! It’s time to teach good gender roles and to ditch the unnecessary ones. Does it really matter if your son likes the color pink? Is it going to hurt anybody? Do you not see the damage it inflicts to tell a boy that there is something wrong with him because he likes a certain color? Do we not see the damage we do in labeling our girls “tom boys” or our boys “feminine” just because they have their own likes and opinions on things? Things that really don’t matter?
Dads. Speak softly to your sons. Speak calmly to your daughters. Who do you want your child to be? Do you want him to be the kid at school that sits by himself with absolutely no friends or self esteem? Or do you want him to be the kid running for class office and feeling like he deserves to win it? Do we not see that we have the power to give that to our children? Do we not see that we have the power to teach our children the tools of societal survival?
Dads. Do we not see the influence we have when we say we believe in one thing, but our children see us living something else? Do we not realize how little we encourage our children to actually decide what they believe, declare what they believe, and then live by it? Whether it’s religion, politics, sports, or societal norms. It is not our place to tell our kids what to think. It is our place to teach our kids to think correctly. If we do this, we need have no fear of what they will decide for themselves and how strongly they’ll stand behind it. A man will follow his own convictions to his death, but he’ll only follow another man’s convictions until he steps in manure.
Damn it, Dads. Every child has the innate right to ask for ice cream without being belittled and broken. Every child has the innate right to do so without being made to cower in the corner because the man who is supposed to be his hero is actually a small, small man altogether. Every child has the innate right to be happy, and giggle, and laugh, and play. Why aren’t you letting them? Every child on earth has the right to a dad who thinks before he speaks; a dad who understands the great power that has been given to him to ultimately shape another human being’s life; a dad who loves his child more than he loves his television shows or sports games; a dad who loves his child more than his material junk; a dad who loves his child more than his time. Every child deserves a superhero dad.
Maybe the truth is that a lot of dads don’t deserve their kids.
Maybe the truth is that a lot of dads aren’t really dads at all.
I apologize for the heatedness of my post. I believe a part of me feels like a coward for not saying something to the man in front of me at Costco. Consider this post to be my penance. Perhaps a part of me feels that if even one person reads this and decides to be a better dad, it was worth every second that I spent typing it. If one child has a better life because something in my words stirred their father to step up their game, then it was worth every ounce of begging and pleading with you to share this with others, of which I am inevitably going to be guilty.
Dads. Children are gifts. They are not ours for the breaking. They are ours for the making. So stand up with me and show the world that there are a lot of good dads around.
To the men and women who read this post… married or not… parent or not… share this post on Facebook and Twitter, even if it doesn’t apply to you because you’re already all these things. If you’ve ever seen a father break his child, share it. You never know what child might get his superhero dad back. You never know what tiny spirit might feel just a little more loved because Dad took the time to tuck her in tonight.
All because you were willing to paste one link and ask others to read it.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing Pleading
PS, I am seriously ornery and sad right now. Please comment below and say whatever you like, but please also tell me about a good dad you know, somewhere, and what makes them good. I really need to hear it right now.
Every Day Dad:
THE GUIDE TO BECOMING A BETTER FATHER http://everydaydad.org/
By Scott Hammond
Parenting Experts, Dads, and Coaches are calling Scott Hammond’s new book Every Day Dad: The Guide to Becoming a Better Father the must have book for fathers who want to transform their lives, become a better parent, and live life with purpose and passion.
Title: Every Day Dad: The Guide to Becoming a Better Father
Author: Scott Hammond
ISBN: 978-1450-5366-46
Pages: 352
Release Date: June 2010
Available from Amazon.com & other booksellers
To request an interview, review copy of Every Day Dad, or other materials: contact Scott Hammond or call 707-616-7665.
BACK COVER DESCRIPTION
You had such plans for your life and for your family…
But the stress and pressure of work, marriage, and parenting has taken its toll.
What are you going to do?
How do you overcome and become the Hero you dream of?
Every Day Dad equips you with the tools and knowledge you need to connect with your family, live life with passion and purpose, and become the Hero you have always dreamed of – for yourself, for your wife, and for your kids.
In Every Day Dad, you’ll be mentored through the stresses and challenges you have, and will encounter, so that you can transform your life, joyfully engage with your family, and build a positive, lasting legacy.
DOWNLOAD COVER PHOTOS, TABLE OF CONTENTS, AND CHAPTER 1
Cover: Web Quality: 72dpi Print Quailty: 300 dpi B&W 300 dpi
Table of Contents
Read the first 28 pages (Forward through Chapter 1)
EVERY DAY DAD SUMMARY
Every Day Dad: The Guide to Becoming a Better Father shows dads how to overcome the challenges of life, joyfully engage with their families, and build a positive, lasting legacy. Written in a practical, straight-forward manner, the books equips dads (and all parents) with the knowledge and tools they need to connect with their families, to live life with passion and purpose, and become better fathers.
ADVANCE PRAISE FOR EVERY DAY DAD
Here are just a few of the things readers have had to say about Every Day Dad:
We are a society in crisis and the root cause is parenting. This book will give you great tools to become a better parent and a better person at the same time.
Larry Winget, Television Personality and New York Times Bestselling Author, Your Kids Are Your Own Fault: A Guide For Raising Responsible, Productive Adults
When I became a father, several decades ago, I wanted to be the best I could be. After all, that’s what I wanted to do in all the (work) jobs I had. There was no book on all that it takes. Now comes along Scott Hammond’s book with lessons that, with effort (yes, it requires EFFORT) puts fatherhood in excellent perspective for your success.
Jim Tunney, Ed.D
Author, Educator, Former NFL Referee
Scott Hammond’s book, Every Day Dad, is an encyclopedia for being a Dad. He understands the business of being a Dad and he communicates it extremely well. This book is a must for every Dad.
D.J.Young, www.Wisdom4Dads.com
It’s about time! What a wonderful concept and hats off to you, Scott Hammond, for bringing the extremely important, long overdue issue of fatherhood to the forefront. With shifting roles, two working parents, and changes in the world at warp-speed, we need fathers more than ever to help the women in the world with our shared bundles of joy. To enjoy the laughter, joys, tears, and milestones, there couldn’t be a more important role for the men of this day and age and for the children of tomorrow!
Karen Simmons, CEO, Founder, Autism Today
Click here to Read more comments and testimonials from readers.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR, SCOTT HAMMOND
Scott Hammond is the author of Every Day Dad: The Guide to Becoming a Better Father, a parenting expert, and the father of 9 children, who offers a unique point of view on fathering and intentional parenting. Scott is an award winning professional speaker and a recognized business consultant and leadership coach.
Scott motivates and inspires others toward positive, personal change and growth with his comfortable style, authenticity, and transparency. Using real-life stories, Scott shares how you can overcome life and parenting obstacles and become a better person.
Scott resides in McKinleyville, California with his wife of 27 years, Joni, and their kids. To connect with Scott, visit BecomeABetterFather.com
Download Bio Photo:
Web ready: 72 dpi Print Quality: 300 dpi or B&W 300 dpi
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES AND STORY IDEAS FROM SCOTT HAMMOND
“Growing Up With Gabriel: A Father’s Story” (One Sheet)
“Ten Things More Important Than Money” (One Sheet)
“Momentum Creation With Scott Hammond” (One Sheet)
4 Challenges to Compelling Parenting
Returning to Your First Love (audio)
Dads are Endangered Species (radio commentary on KINS)
The Upside of Down Syndrome (audio)
Pain is the Fuel of Passion (audio)
7 Secrets of Effective Parents (audio)
Leaving a Living Legacy (audio)
2009 Father’s Day Interview on KHSU (radio interview)
Click here for Videos from Scott Hammond
You can also follow Scott on Twitter and Facebook
To request an interview, review copy of Every Day Dad, or other materials: contact Scott Hammond or call 707-616-7665.
SCOTT HAMMOND - INTERIOR BIO
Scott Hammond with his wife Joni, and 2 of their boys
Scott Hammond is a Parenting Expert, the author of Every Day Dad: The Guide to Becoming a Better Father, and as a father of 9 children (all theirs) offers a unique point of view on fathering and intentional parenting.
Scott is an Award Winning professional speaker and has been recognized as a business consultant/coach with 30 years of marketing experience. Scott is a published Author and creator of BecomeaBetterFather.com
Scott was born in Emmetsburg, Iowa and grew up in San Diego California, before moving to Humboldt County California. Having earned his BA in Recreation Administration/Liberal Arts at Humboldt State University, Scott has worked in radio, newspaper, and the Cable TV ad sales industry for over 25 years.
Recognized as Award Winning Competent and ATM Gold Toastmaster, and a graduate of the Cascadia School of leadership, Scott has completed and graduated from Pro Track, the National Speakers Association Northern California’s professional speaking school.
Scott & Joni Hammond having fun with their family
Scott uses a comfortable, personal speaking style to motivate, inspire, and train people toward positive personal, parental, and professional change and growth. He uses real life stories to connect with his audience via genuine authenticity and transparency in sharing ways to overcome life and parenting obstacles. He resides in McKinleyville California with his wife of 29 years Joni and their kids.
To request an interview, review copy of Every Day Dad, or other materials: contact Scott Hammond or call 707-616-7665.
Share and Enjoy:
Gotta tell you it is really getting close to the release of my New Book……….
“Every Day Dad” is a 3 year work on helping equip dads to be proud of their families.
It offers all the tools to become a better father…really!
It takes the best of Fathering University and real business acumen and combines them into a quantum leap forward toward more intentional and effective fathering.
Written from the perspective of a “Regular Joe” dad (that’s me for sure), my book will help dads to discover both how to become more intentional in their fathering and to follow through on their goals. The Book has a Free Strategic Life Planner with every copy…the PSP is a road map to life and better relationships and comes FREE ($49.77 value) with the book which will be available on Amazon in Early June 2010.
You will see more and be able to sample before you buy. Hope to hear from you.
Best,
Scott Hammond
BecomeaBetterFather.com
“Boys want to know three things,” says 72-year-old Lew Powers, a 20-year veteran Boy Scout director. ‘One, who’s the boss? Two, what are the rules? And three, are you going to enforce them?’ To have a strong relationship with a boy, you have to be the boss, and a very kind one. Only set rules that you can enforce, and always enforce them. Then you have the basis for a relationship. From here comes respect and more importantly, trust.”
Being a good father means you discipline from a plan, not from emotion. Most fathers tend to shy away from traditional behavior systems, relying heavily on their ability to “discipline in the moment.” I have found in my practice that this is not a good way to go. In fact, to be perfectly honest, I find that it is one of our male weaknesses, such as failing to ask for directions when we know we are lost. In both cases, we need to use a map. And a behavioral map entails sitting down and plotting your course. What are your rules? Are you willing to enforce them in the same way every time? What will you do when you become aware that your child has left you severely frustrated? Will you yell? Will you say hurtful things that you’ll later apologize for? Make your map and chart your course.
Some brief notes on discipline:
Discipline strategies used by mother and father should be the same.
3 strikes you’re out
2 warnings
Consequences and rewards used by mother and father should be the same
Time out
Restriction
Raising your voice to get your child’s attention is not a problem as long as:
You are not out of control.
It doesn’t shame your child.
It doesn’t put your child in a position to care for you.
Raising your voice does have its risks. Your children will meet the bar that you set:
If you yell, they will yell.
If you shut down, they will shut down.
If you keep your poise, they will keep theirs.
DON’T HIT! This damages a child’s self-esteem and ability to bond and attach emotionally.
Come to find out that our older kids can really break our hearts when they make poor life decisions and even really blow it. I am in the early process of grieving the forfeited possibilities that my dear one has given up due to her less than optimal decisions.
Here are a few steps to consider as you process your broken heart--
1. GRIEVE--Really process the hurt. Talk to trusted advisors, your spouse, and others who have been there and done that.
2. PRAY--Take your hurt to God. He is not surprised. You have hurt Him in like manner and He still gives you His grace and mercy. Can you give the same? You have been forgiven much--now it is your turn to forgive.
3. TALK WITH YOUR CHILD/COMMUNICATE--Have a compelling and courageous conversation. Be open, listen, and DO NOT ATTACK. You are in this to communicate and SHARE FOR THE LONG TERM.
3. HAVE A LONG TERM PERSPECTIVE--You want to know, love, and invest in your kids for a lifetime. Make decisions with this in mind. Take your time. Do not over react, speak with finality, or do what will hurt the relationship irreparably in the long run.
Having your heart rendered in two really sucks. You have a right to be hurt. The key here is to be honest with yourself and others and focus on processing the hurt and then to move on.
4. MOVE ON--You have much at stake and cannot afford to get stuck in yet another drama. You are responsible for others, yourself, and are a steward of perhaps many things. It is key to not neglect these and still be true to your self, hurts, and then be ready to move forward. You will find the Grace if you seek Him with all your heart. I know this...
1. SPEAKING SKILLS--It is a must:the ability to accurately communicate and express ideas, concepts, and persuade your family in a compelling manner.
2. MENTORING--Being good at bringing your kids up to their potential in any skill by helping, leading, serving, and coaching.
3. LEADERSHIP--Learning to be the initiator, instigator, and to lead with compassion.
4. TIMING--Understanding rhythm, cadence, and precise timing both in how to speak and when to speak....or not!
5. IMPROMPTU SPEAKING--Really being prepared to speak in a compelling way at any moment of need. Being here now AND having something cogent to say.
6. GOOD PLANNING--the skill to exercise good focus, organization, and productivity in all aspects of parenting and family life.
7. RELATIONSHIPS--People are what is of value in life. Relationships therefore, become paramount. It is how we develop these that defines us as individuals.
1. Consider Your Choices--what are they really? Really think about what you are choosing. Are there other unconsidered alternatives?
2. Consider the Consequences of Your Choices--What will be the probable outcomes? Can you live with that? Will the consequences be expensive?
3. Make the Best Choice--After you have done the above, make your best decision. Which is the optimum decision in the area you are facing choices?
4. Be a Class Act--Always strive to be a person of class. We are surrounded with the walking wounded who have made poor decisions and lacked real class in their choices and lives. Life is a series of decisions and choices....choose wisely!
Hey...Check out the new BecomeaBetterFather.com website.
Free and cool stuff and easy to navigate.
Podcasts, movies, and a Free Goal Setting Roadmap to your compelling life Plan.
Stop by today!
2nd Annual Fathers Day Writing Contest Winner Announced!!
THIS IS OUR 2009 WINNER—A TRIBUTE TO SINGLE PARENTS EVERYWHERE!—Good job Caitlin!
My Dad is awesome because he is the best Dad in the world! What makes my Dad so awesome is that he plays the role of “Dad” and “Mom” since he has raised me and my older sister as a single parent. He works so hard every day, he has his own business, but he still makes time for ball games, dance recitals, track meets or whatever my sister and I are involved in. We can tell Dad anything. He listens to us vent, he hugs us when we cry, and he corrects us when we need it. Our house burned in December, but my sister and I knew that when Dad said it would all be ok, it would be ok. We knew our dad would work non-stop until he had it built back, and that’s exactly what he did. We know if we need anything, he will make it happen. He’s a “dad” to all our friends as well. They all call him “Daddy Matt.” His girlfriend has two boys who he also treats like his own children. We have all become like one big family, and he is the Dad who loves us all. He does everything from play Playstation with them to coach them in wrestling or train them at the gym. They would say he deserves some kind of “Dad of the Year” award as well. He also takes care of anything his mother needs since she is a widow. He cuts her grass, takes care of her car, whatever she needs. He is the most unselfish person on the planet! He does all this and still manages to also be the best cook ever! My dad is awesome!”
Caitlin Y
2009 FATHERS DAY WRITING CONTEST
In honor of Father’s Day 2009 and fathers everywhere www.becomeabetterfather.com is sponsoring a Father’s Day writing contest. We want to know our readers opinions of what it takes to be a great father.
We value your opinion and would love to hear from you and what you think makes a great dad.
The question we pose is: ” My Dad is (was)awesome because…”
That’s it!
Here are the official rules…
1. Write about what you think a good father is (A poem,essay, or other writing form) and post on your blog with a link back to this blog post. LIMIT 300 WORDS.
2. Email your entry to sjhammond@suddenlink.net.
3. You must have your entry posted by midnight, Pacific Standard Time, June 21st, 2009.
4. June 22nd at 9pm PST, 2009, the lovely Mrs. Hammond and I will pick a winner based on what we think rocks!
5. The winner receives a free full one-hour consultation with Scott Hammond, a Starbucks gift card, a full-featured blog post on become a better father.com, a cool certificate,and much much more!
6. We will post an entry on this blog on June 22nd 2009 containing links to all the entries, so you will get a free link out of the deal.
7. We will also do a press release on the winner of the Fathers Day Writing Contest… to be determined.
That’s it and good luck!
The question remains: ”My Dad is (was) awesome because…”
Best,
Scott Hammond FO-9
Father of Nine
2nd Annual Fathers Day Writing Contest….email entries to sjhammond@suddenlink.net
In honor of Father’s Day 2009 and fathers everywhere www.becomeabetterfather.com is sponsoring our 2nd annual Father’s Day writing contest.
We want to know our readers opinions of what it takes to be a great father.
We value your opinion and would love to hear from you and what you think makes a great dad.
The question we pose is: ” My Dad is (was)awesome because…”
That’s it!
Here are the official rules…
1. Write about what you think a good father is (A poem,essay, or other writing form) and post on your blog with a link back to this blog post. LIMIT 300 WORDS.
2. Email your entry to sjhammond@suddenlink.net.
3. You must have your entry posted by midnight, Pacific Standard Time, June 21st, 2009.
4. June 22nd at 9pm PST, 2009, the lovely Mrs. Hammond and I will pick a winner based on what we think rocks!
5. The winner receives a free full one-hour consultation with Scott Hammond, a Starbucks gift card, a full-featured blog post on become a better father.com, a cool certificate,and much much more!
6. We will post an entry on this blog on June 22nd 2009 containing links to all the entries, so you will get a free link out of the deal.
7. We will also do a press release on the winner of the Fathers Day Writing Contest… to be determined.
That’s it and good luck! The question remains: ”My Dad is (was) awesome because…”
Best,
Scott Hammond FO-9
Father of Nine
The last installment of our Informal Survey…
ok. “do-overs”:
1. Stop saying, “No” immediately unless it’s a life threatening situation. Rather, come to their eye level or lower and explain to them why what they’re doing or thinking about doing might be a really bad idea, complete with realistic consequences of their actions.
2. Be more aware of the family history on mental health. Turns out depression runs in my family. Had no idea until 2 years after I figured it out. It really does take a toll on the family, especially the kids.
3. Take all that energy from yelling (see 2 above) and whisper. It’s amazing how quickly people shut down at loud noises, but perk up at really, really soft ones.
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Not had child number 1
Not had child number 2
Not had child number 3
Bad parenting day today…..ask me tomorrow and the answer will be different. Now if you will excuse me I have to go find out why…
Child number 1 thought it was okay to go to the bathroom at school and send a questionable song to all of his 5th grade friends on the emergency cell phone that he wasn’t supposed to have brought to school.
Child number 2 thought it was funny to tell a Chuck Norris and Virgin Mary joke to his friends during study hall that was definitely not appropriate for 8th grade students.
Child number 3 thought it would be okay if mom came home and found her and her boyfriend making out on the couch with his hands down her pants - she is 16.
Do you think it is too late to get a refund on them?
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I would have protected my children LESS from the cause and effect of thier own behavior.
I would have been more strict about responsibility.
I would have been less accepting of negative behavior.
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Scott,
I just joked today that I wish I had time to write the book “The Parent REDO”! How ironic…
As the mother of 2 ( 11 and 13), high maintenance pre teens, I do not think this space will have room for all of the “do overs” I could give you. You asked for three so here goes.
I would have kept “consistent” with rules…
I would have kept “consistent” with a routine/expected schedule…
I would have kept “consistent” with our overall expectations…
“Children will follow where we lead them..if we do not lead them, they will not follow.”
Permission granted to use quote from a guilty parent of great kids that have been lead by consistent love but not by consistent leadership. I will be the 1st to buy your book as the do overs are still possible…I hope!
Results from our Informal Survey…
A lot of Doug’s advice struck a chord for me- the 3 things I took from his memorial service were:
1.) LIVE FOR TODAY. Do not dwell on the past, learn from your mistakes, but do not let them haunt you. Do not get caught up in the future. LIVE for the PRESENT! If you make today a success the success will continue into the future.
2.) COACH/MENTOR- take an active role in your children’s interests. Doug coached his last lacrosse game for his younger son’s team just a few weeks before he past away. His boys did not win that day, but they still felt like winners. Doug taught them that what was important was that they played their best, had fun, and had love & respect for their teammates and their competitors. Doug was in the habit of asking his team- “What is my job?” They would respond- “to love us.” “What is your job?” “to love each other.” I am not sure where Doug got these mottos but the point was- teaching & mentoring kids is great for the kids- but was also incredibly rewarding for Doug.
3.) LET GO OF REGRET’S! As tragic of a loss as it was to lose Doug at such a young age- he did get an incredible gift- his diagnosis forced him to let go of regrets. Every man has things he wishes he did differently but we are forgiven for our mistakes- and we should not dwell on them.
Anyhow- sorry for the long response- but these are some of the things I learned from my buddy Doug. And even though he was a “Man’s man” he was never embarrassed to say- “I love you Man!’ and neither am I.
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Being a grandparent of two provides remarkable insight into my parenting background. Between my wife and I, we have grown daughters and all that comes with it.
1. I would be more relaxed about encouraging my offspring to explore and think for themselves.
2. I would instill less fear of uncertainty
3. That’s it because, while parenting was a “surprise” for me in my mid-thirties, I can’t imagine life without having at least one child.
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Nothing! That doesn’t mean that I was a perfect parent. I simply would go through that season with the faith that carried me through it the first time. I believe that each child has his/her own spirit, soul, mind, emotion and will. I’d to my best, with the help of the Holy Spirit, to guide that child in the direction of their bent. I have noticed little consistency between what we may consider “great” parenting and how kids turn out. Raising a child is such an act of “trusting God” and a daily dose of humility as those little innocent creations remind us that we are not God and that we need to depend on Him all the more. What a terrifying responsibility…to bring a child into the world via birth or to parent via the blessing of adoption. Yet, having said all of that…I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
Great question: these are the Result of our Informal Survey…
1. I would prepare earlier for adolescence. It’s a huge transition, and it starting to occur earlier - emotionally, if not physically.
2. I would challenge my kids more, earlier. I would give them higher levels of responsibility and allow them fail more often.
3. I would take more mission trips and fewer traditional vacations.
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The 3 do overs I would focus on:
* Provide chores at an earlier age and stress the value of money
* Give more independence at an earlier age. (walk to store, go out with kids)
* Spend more “quality” time (take on more my speaking engagement trips, don’t overwork, etc.)
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1). I would have had all my kids go through the family meetings we did with the last four. The results on that go-around were amazing.
2). I would have done a better job of exposing all of my kids to the world - through travel and volunteerism. Time just got away. Exposure and Experience are the two greatest forces for creating Tolerance and Compassion.
3). I would have taught them better about finances and personal responsibility. They had specific chores and schedules with consequences clearly communicated, and we weren’t all that free & easy with allowances. But we didn’t enforce the savings account rules, and we helped them more than we should have with some of the things they would have appreciated more if they had participated in earning the ability to buy it themselves.
nd Annual Fathers Day Writing Contest
In honor of Father’s Day 2009 and fathers everywhere www.becomeabetterfather.com is sponsoring a Father’s Day writing contest. We want to know our readers opinions of what it takes to be a great father.
We value your opinion and would love to hear from you and what you think makes a great dad.
The question we pose is: ” My Dad is (was)awesome because…”
That’s it!
Here are the official rules…
1. Write about what you think a good father is (A poem,essay, or other writing form) and post on your blog with a link back to this blog post. LIMIT 300 WORDS.
2. Please leave a comment on this blog post to let us know you entered.
3. You must have your entry posted by midnight, Pacific Standard Time, June 21st, 2009.
4. June 21st at 9pm PST, 2009, the lovely Mrs. Hammond and I will pick a winner based on what we think rocks!
5. The winner receives a free full one-hour consultation with Scott Hammond, a Starbucks gift card, a full-featured blog post on become a better father.com, a cool certificate,and much much more!
6. We will post an entry on this blog on June 22nd 2009 containing links to all the entries, so you will get a free link out of the deal.
7. We will also do a press release on the winner of the Fathers Day Writing Contest… to be determined.
That’s it and good luck! The question remains: ”My Dad is (was) awesome because…”
Best,
Scott Hammond FO-9
Father of Nine
25 Things Every Father Must Teach His Daughter About Life
Are you teaching your daughter what she needs to know to become a confident, well-adjusted woman?
Yesterday, I wrote about how our daughters are under attack in our toxic culture. I expounded on all the messages they hear that are leading them astray.
Today, I want to offer what we as fathers must be teaching our daughters if we want them to grow up to be happy, independent and productive.
Teach daughters these 25 things and they will love you for it!
These are the things I want to teach my two daughters. I am convinced these are the things necessary to counteract all the other crap they hear elsewhere.
1. Family is forever
I want her to know that I will always love her mother. Her family will always be here as a complete unit for her to depend upon. I will model the loving marriage I want her to have.
2. She is beautiful just the way she is
I will tell her this regularly to affirm her belief in it. I will let her know that her natural beauty is all the attractiveness she will ever need and that I love her just the way she is.
3. She is enough and capable of anything
I will reassure her regularly that she has all the intelligence, confidence and capability she needs to conquer anything she wants to do in life. She is more than enough!
4. How to say “no” and mean it
Over the years, her girlfriends and boyfriends are going to ask her to do things that aren’t good for her. I will teach her it is okay to say “no” and stick to it. Practice makes perfect!
5. What I believe is right and wrong
Where else are our daughters going to get moral clarity? We must teach them what we believe is ethical and right so they have a measure to live by.
6. Humility
Yes, I want my daughter to be confident and independent, but I also want her to respect others and to treat everyone with dignity. I want her to give due regard to those in authority such as teachers, public servants and her parents!
7. How to eat to remain healthy
I want my daughter to have a healthy view of food. I don’t want her to overindulge, but I also don’t want her to be obsessed with dieting. Modeling a healthy diet and lifestyle are vital.
8. Men should treat her with gentleness and respect
She will learn this by observing the way I treat her and her mother. I will teach her that she should refuse to accept anything less.
9. Modesty
It is much more attractive to create a modest and authentic look. Young women that wear clothes that are revealing are crying out for attention. I will teach my daughter that there are boundaries to what is acceptable.
10. Relationships and family matter most in life
I will teach her that most of her joy and fulfillment in life will come from the relationships she builds. It is of the utmost importance that she chooses and acts wisely.
11. Not to drink too much and to stay away from drugs
Alcohol consumption in excess is dangerous and impairs judgement. Alcohol before she is an adult is especially harmful. Educating her on the perils and providing firm supervision is paramount.
12. Her father will always defend her
She needs to know that if someone wrongs her, that I will defend her. I will be her champion and hero. She will never need to look elsewhere to find protection.
13. How to manage her money
I will teach her that debt is dangerous and that thrift and frugality are wise. I will show her how to budget her money and ways to save. I will involve her so she can learn from an early age.
14. The value of honesty and integrity
I want my daughter to understand that you are only as good as your reputation. If you lie or cheat, word will spread and you will be discredited. It is always better to tell the truth.
15. Patience
Wait. Wait to have sex. Wait until you find the right man. Wait so you can finish college. Wait so you can travel. Be patient. There is no need to rush into things.
16. Keep things simple
You will never regret keeping your life simple. Complexity is burdensome. It is tiring. The simpler the solution, the more eloquent it is. Keep your life simple!
17. Put God first
God is your compass. He will show you the way. I will live so she knows what God means to me and that I have a relationship with Him. He will never fail her.
18. How to pray
Lift up all your concerns and thanksgiving to God! It will help you to always remain humble and grateful. You are blessed!
19. We have more than enough
Be content. Don’t fall victim to hyper-consumerism. It will put you in a hole that you won’t like. Recognize when you have enough. Give generously.
20. Appreciate nature
A good deal of the wonder and beauty in life is found in nature. Spend time outdoors. Take care of the environment. Take time to appreciate all nature has to offer.
21. Be persistent
Perseverance is one of the key characteristics of the successful. Don’t give up too easily. Stick with things until you conquer them. Try and try again.
22. Be practical and pragmatic
Stay grounded. Look for solutions that work. Solve problems for people and they will appreciate you. Keep your head about you. Be logical.
23. She alone has authority over her body and life
Don’t let people push you around. It is okay to be nice, but you also have to know when to put your foot down. Draw the line when it is necessary.
24. Ask yourself, “So, what can I do about it?”
This goes along with being practical. Follow the wisdom in the Serenity Prayer. It will decrease the stress in your life and increase your effectiveness.
25. Your father will always, always, always love you!
I want her to know above all else that my love is unconditional. I may not always like her behavior, but I will always love her. She needs to understand this separation.
This is a big job, but I’m up for it because my daughters matter
I’m not going to kid you. Raising a daughter in today’s culture is a big job. The stakes are high. The opposition is fierce.
However, I will not give in. I am drawing a line in the sand today. I will be a father to my daughters. I will fight for them. I will live as an example. This world and our society will not claim them as victims.
Time is wasting. I’d better get busy!
What did I leave out? What else do we need to be teaching our daughters?
*
How to really whack at your kids… to truly mess up their innocence.—
I was flying on a plane and the folks across from you had a small boy named Alex. Alex was all boy… he was a hopelessly curious, always processing information, thinking, learning and asking questions. What was interesting about the story is that his folks were compelled to constantly correct is data. They corrected his questions, comments, deductions, vocabulary, language usage and so much more. They seemed compelled to be right more than they were about loving their Alex. In my mind, they were whacking their son, and setting them up for some sort of pathology as he grew older.
Children possess a rare innocence in Christ said, lest you become as a child you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven. They’re loving innocence and kindness makes them a model to learn from.
We as parents to take this innocence away with our sarcasm and snotty and snippy words and attitudes. Our anger and frustration and ongoing angst truly tends to whack our kids. Many of us have to be correct and right all the time or else... life becomes unchecked.
All of these corrections, reality checks, and "talkin tos" in the name of helping our children equates to cruelty, madness and translating much of our own personal issues and baggage over tour kids… why can’t we just be merciful?
Why can’t we just go with it when they’re in a stream of conscious flow of thought? Why can't we urge them on as they dream out loud? Why can’t we verbally endorse their process and not worry so much about their content or conclusions, exclusively?
We can always come back later and dialogue and discover what is truth incorrect and right and good--- but how can we ever get there if we are so busy correcting little Alex and his plethora of poor communication and logic?
The madness, we parents and adults possess and wanting to be correct-- coupled with our moodiness is something that truly monitor and become aware of. ... so as to intentionally jettison. We need to see our issues and own and fix them. We need to be in the moment and be present and enjoy our kids rather than hurt their hearts. We need to truly encourage the development and thought process so they can eventually discover the truth, and thereby be set free.
Next time your kid begins to verbally explore their world--- go with it. You don’t have to be right or correct or the boss in authority (you are). You do need to be merciful and kind and gentle. You do need to see your own issues and tendencies in moodiness and anger and own them. You do need to be intentional about your issues to fix them. Quit trying to fix other people and go ahead and fix yourself. Quit trying to be correct and illicit rightness from all those around you and concentrate on being right in your own heart.
Be here now.
Be present.
Enjoy the ride!
Family First Checklist
"For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?" Luke 14:28
Do you want to give your family first place? Then consider these four aspects to lasting, godly commitment that you need to make:
1: Love your family first by having a total commitment to Christ.
It all begins with your vertical commitment to Christ. Anything less than a 100 percent radical devotion to Jesus is no commitment at all. Follow Christ first, above everything--above your spouse; above your children; above your family. Show them that you can actually love them better when you love Christ first than you could if you were ignoring Jesus and trying to love them in your own strength.
In their honest moments, most people know the struggle not to love other people, especially their families, more than they love God. But Jesus said in Matthew 10:37, "Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." Jesus must be first.
2: Love your family first by calculating the cost.
Jesus said in Luke 14:28, "For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?" If you want to build a tower, have a great lawn, lower your golf handicap, or have a marvelous, joy-filled family, it's going to cost you.
To be Christ's disciple demands careful analysis. It means you have to count the cost of that commitment ahead of time. Can I finish the course? Can I give what success in this priority demands? Can I be a faithful husband for my whole life? Can I be the wife God has called me to be? Can I be the parent? Because if I can't keep my promises, I have no business making the commitment. But to be standing beside your spouse ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years later and to be able to say, "I still do" is powerful! And that power will flow down to your children and to your grandchildren.
3: Love your family first by finishing the course.
In a world of quitters, Jesus Christ is looking for finishers. It's not how your family started that matters most; it's where you all end up as a family and in eternity that really counts. Make no mistake, there are many eyes on you. People know what you profess and they are watching to see if you can keep the commitment you've made to your family. The world is filled with starters-up like a rocket and down like a rock-but God's love in the heart of His children is what enables you to finish the course.
4: Love your family first by paying the price.
You need to know now that there is a price you will have to pay to have a God-honoring, successful family. Families that only stay together until hardship comes or conflict arises never experience the joy of all a family can be.
It's one thing to talk about commitment in a vague, generalizing way. But truly living the Christian life is hardest at home. Some of you are going to face something this year as a family that will call for a massive price to be paid! Get ready. When you want to pull back--that's the time to press in, push forward, and draw hard upon the Lord's strength to live a life of absolute total commitment to your family.
So what do you think? Each week you are invited to visit 10Choices.org to engage in one of the ten choices with book excerpt and questions, and most importantly, comments from you.
Courtesy Walk in the Word.com
3 Mistakes Parents Need to Avoid
Living priorities is a daily, hourly, and moment by moment choice we all must make.
Have you ever failed as a parent?
Have you ever said or done something, either habitually, or on a one-time-only basis, that resulted in an irreversible parental mistake?
What could you have done differently to avoid that mistake?
How could you identify them before they happened?
Are you currently and habitually making mistakes right now in your parenting style and family culture?
What are the three top relationship killers, pitfalls, traps the best parents fall into, and how can we avoid them?
1. Busyness– how did life get so complicated? Time, scheduling, stress, moods, attitude have created a busy and crazy lifestyle for most every parent in our culture. Burned-out parents seem to be the norm. Moods flare, words are exchanged, attitudes run rampant, and the whole thing seems way over the top on a regular basis. Where do we find relief in peace and tranquility and surrender in such a crazy society and culture? I believe some of the answers lie in the following:
* Learn to stop… work, projects, our minds, our thoughts, our busyness, and our lifestyle.
* Learn the transition to home… leave work at work. Leave anything outside the home… outside the home. Come home and be here now. Be present. Be in the moment. Be available. Be you.
* Learn to say no to many other things… even the good stuff. You cannot do it all… even though you may want to.
2. Distraction–Being self-centered and self obsessed– The sick habit of over-introspection and self-indulgence in an ongoing examination of self and how everything affects me. Being self-centered and self obsessed, could include an exhausting examination of everything that affects me in my life and the second-guessing of everything happening around me. Trying to figure out all of life is a fallacy and learning to surrender and let go and move on is the only sane and safe way to live. Breaking the self habit includes:
* Letting go–surrender, relaxing, moving on, and really focusing on trusting God for all your needs
* Make it about other people– always keep in mind you’re on earth to serve others. And don’t always make it about you. The universe does not rotate around you. It’s really not about you.
* Learn to communicate– learn to listen effectively. Really try to hear what people are telling you through their body language, tone and of course, their words. Learn to express yourself in cogent and concise ways as well.
* Focus on what’s really important– family, spouse, kids, friends, brothers and sisters, parents, community and society. At the end of the day it’s all about relationships. This requires being focused on others.
3. Value Confusion–not prioritizing our relationships–are you an object person or a relationship person? Do you devote too much project time and not enough relationship time with those around you? Failing to stop and decide who you are and who you want to be results in dissonance in living your value system. We must decide individually what’s important to us and live accordingly. It’s a mistake to not devote a great deal of our lives to relationships. After all, you can’t take anything with you when you go. You never see the U-Haul behind the hearse at the funeral. The mistake here is letting life drive you versus you driving life in your own priorities. You are in charge of you. You are accountable for you. The blame game will not work when you’re not living out your own values and priorities. It’s your own darn fault…some possible solutions include:
* having a written plan–goal setting, a personal life and vision statement in writing.
* Getting organized– managing your time, having a day planner, writing down and living your priorities.
* Getting rid of the extra and non-priority–just say no. You’ll never get to some stuff in life. There is not enough time, energy or resources.
* Setting up systems for relationship development– have dates with your kids, wife, and friends. Put them in your day timer. Schedule them up as the priorities they really are.
Living our priorities is a daily, hourly, and moment by moment choice we all must make each day. How we decide the small stuff defines us. What will we do with the resources given to us? Each of us gets just 24 hours each day, and only a certain number of days per lifetime. How well will you use your life units? That is certainly up to you.
What will it be for you?
Are you going to let stress and busyness, distraction and self-centeredness, and value confusion throw you off your plan?
Will you be proactive and take the time, and sharpen your saw, and figure out what’s key for you in life, and then go and just do it?
At the end of the day, it really may be about you, in that you must decide for you. How you live, love and relate to those around you in your life.
We have but one life to live, and logic and love dictate we live it effectively in relationships.
10 Ways to Make Time for Your Children
Commit to a family mealtime each day.
Write your children's activities into your schedule book - in ink!
Identify one thing on your weekly schedule you can do without and replace it with kid time.
Take one of your children along when you run errands.
Volunteer to participate in a regularly scheduled child activity, such as coaching a softball team or helping with a school activity.
Identify one children's show on TV that you secretly like to watch and make a point of watching it with your child.
Develop an interest in a hobby you and your child can enjoy together.
If your work requires that you travel, take one of your children along with you when your business trip can be extended into a long weekend.
If your work schedule is flexible, start your work day earlier so you can get home earlier in the afternoon to be with your family.
Leave your work, cellular phones and pagers at home when you go on family vacations and outings.
5 Tools of Successful Families: #2. Expressing Yourself
Expressing yourself…
You may assume another family members know your needs, feelings, and opinions without you telling them.
But… relying on mind reading may result in…
* Disappointment
* Frustration
* Resentment
* Loneliness….or hurt…
Here are some guidelines for expressing yourself clearly…
1. Describe your feelings… share your feelings with” I” statements. They build trust and relationships and they give you ownership of what’s being said…” I feel-______”
Say what you mean in a simple, direct way. I’ve found that honesty is always the best policy. People seem to resonate with honesty and being straight up with them. Be specific, rather than general. Resist the temptation to be a pleaser, always trying to tell people what you think they want to hear. This is a big mistake.
Here’s some tips to use…
1. Describe how other people’s behavior affects you without blaming. ” You” statements can stifle communication and create an accusatory atmosphere.
2. Be aware of your nonverbal communication. Your body language gives you away every time. Be attentive to your face, tone of voice, and body language, because they communicate… far more than your words.
3. Finding time. Perhaps the most important way to express yourself is to make time to communicate with your family. Making a conscience effort to carve out time to talk with each individual, and together as a family, is key to the relational health of your family. A family environment can provide a safe place for its members to share feelings, thoughts, ideas, theories, dreams, and hopes.
It is often family that is left out…during busy, hectic times, it’s especially important to plan a few minutes when everyone can be together, or when you can be alone with a family member without interruption. Be sure to save a difficult problem-solving conversation for times when you’re not totally tired or fatigued.
Many of us are verbal learners and need to process our issues and problems through talking. If you have kids or your spouse who is thusly wired, you would do well in heeding the advice above. People who learned this at a young age will be more likely to cope with stress as adults. Being able to discuss and vent angry feelings can keep those feelings from creating more severe problems such as alcohol or drug abuse, violence, mental illness, stress, depression, or other emotional problems.
Take the time and make the time to communicate today. This is an investment in your children that far outweighs money or possessions…
If not you, who?
If not now, when?
5 Tools of Successful Families: #1.Listening, Part Two
The art of listening….
One of a humans greatest need is psychological survival, to be understood, affirmed, validated, and appreciated.
In other words, we need to be heard. It isn’t always easy, and we live in a busy world, and many of us spend our days in a time crunch.
But the experts agree, when we take time to listen we improve relationships, promote an atmosphere of cooperation and encourage creative thinking, and even save money by avoiding costly errors caused by miscommunication.
Active listening does not come naturally. Stephen Covey notes that when someone speaks, our initial reaction is to evaluate and scrutinize them… the opposite of what we should do.
Instead, we should focus on empathetic listening with the intent to understand and we must does this with the goal of helping…
There are four phases of empathetic listening, according to Covey…
1. the first is to mimic content, repeating exactly what the speaker has said
2. the second stage is to rephrase the content to what was said in our own words
3. third, you may reflect feelings or make a non-judgmental statement about the speaker’s emotions, empathizing with what or how he feels
4. the fourth stage is a combination of the second and third stages, to rephrase content and reflect feelings
Sometimes you don’t want to hear what’s being said, choosing to be annoyed instead of understanding the other person’s view… this only damages a relationship. We’d make a better choice of moving forward, forgiving the offense and the offender, and resolving the problem.
Listening must come from the hear. If it is not sincere it will show regardless of what you say… nonverbal gestures will expose true feelings. When this happens, make it a point to remain focused on what the speaker is saying, actively participating in and practicing the stages of empathetic listening… the art of listening lies in understanding that to be an effective father, leader, spouse, or any other role we must not only care about what others have to say, but also how they feel… just remember your kids need your full attention, your patience, and a listening ear… so listen well when they speak. It will make you an even better father than you already are …
5 Tools of Successful Families: #1 Listening
Improving family communication…
Communication has two parts…
* listening and
* expressing yourself
Both must occur for communication to be successful..
Listening…
When you listen well to family members, you encourage them to talk about what’s most important to them. It’s easy to get careless about really listening.
Listening is at least as important as talking. Everyone needs someone to listen to them-someone who supports them and allows them to openly express feelings. Sometimes a person can find a solution or discover the sources of stress just by talking. Some of us process our feelings or find ways to clarify and express our thoughts by simply talking to others. Find out which of your kids process in this way and you will have a key to unlocking their “code”.
Dad’s sometimes fill obligated to lecture, presents solutions, and give an analysis when listening. This is not good listening. A good listener should not feel obligated to advise, analyze, or have all the answers. Listening and responding with concern and understanding may be all the help needed.
Listening is difficult when strong emotions are present …
1. attentiveness…paying attention and putting aside what you are doing shows the speaker that you intend to listen. The harder part of attentiveness is putting aside your opinions and thoughts and conclusions until you’ve really heard what the speaker is trying to say.
2. an attitude of openness and respect… you may not agree with what your family members saying, but being willing to hear and listen indicates respect and honor.
3. clarifying meaning… check out the interpretation of the message you are getting. Feedback helps to know whether you’ve understood what your family member means. Give feedback or check your interpretation of what is being said…
4. a validating response… this lets the other person know you are ready for more listening. This involves body language, posture, facial expressions, and genuinely showing readiness for more communication
Dads tend to be natural lecturers… all of us need to work to be more intentional listeners. I’ve found many times that listening sets the stage for solving problems, great relationships, and genuine peace in our family. Practice just sitting and focusing on your child without any distractions, and it will transform your life, their life and your relationship together.
5 Tools of Effective Families: Introduction
What is it that we as parents want to leave with her kids afterward gone?
What will be our legacy and heritage?
Like Curly in the movie “City Slickers” asks: “What is that 1 Thing? “-That thing that defines and motivates your life…?
What will they say about you after you are gone?…and we all will be someday!
Why do we do what we do when it comes to our parenting?
Why is Intentional Parenting so important, vital, and a key priority?
In the “5 Tools for Effective Families“we will explore how to nurture our kids by setting a foundation of best practices.
We will learn to incrementally introduce in practice, the habits and tools to parent intentionally.
Our goal should be to nurture our children and help them flourish to be the best they can be.
We will explore listening, good communication, genuine encouragement, choosing to give grace, and laying a foundation of faith in God that governs all of who we are and where we are going as a family.
It all begins with relationship building on a quality life foundation that results in emotional health and well-being of our families.
The end goal that we may be able to leave a legacy and heritage for our children and their children as well.
Intentional parenting that equips, sets the foundation, and truly leaves a legacy is the definition of true riches.
We’ll explore these as we uncover the 5 Tools for Effective Families…
Good Dad, Bad Dad: 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers…Conclusion
As fathers, we have a choice…
It’s a choice regarding investment… not necessarily of money, stocks, bonds… but of time and life units.
Your choice, and you’re free to decide how you will invest your life units..
Will it be for stuff? Possessions? Status? Fame? Pleasure?…
Or perhaps you could invest your life units in your family, your kids, leaving a legacy, a heritage, and a quality-of-life inheritance for them.
You won’t be perfect, but you can be intentional, sequential, methodical, and directional in this vital goal. You have no choice but to succeed!
You will need help along the way. Some of the resources you will need to be humble enough to ask will be…
1. your wife
2. father mentors
3. your kids
4. other resources including books, CDs, tapes and DVDs, and the Web
5. goal-setting tools and techniques
6. accountability with others whom you trust and love…
How much do care?
Be honest with yourself and others.
Are you willing to do the work? Pay the price? Take the steps?
It’s truly up to you to be the architect of your own father plan. You can not afford to be self deceived, haphazard, or halfhearted when it comes to deciding and acting in this vital area…
You can ask yourself the following questions again and again…
1. who are you??
2. what do you want??
3. why are you here??
4. what’s not happening now that you would like to see start happening??
5. what’s happening now that you would like to see stop happening??
What will it be, dad?… what’s it gonna be?… make a decision…. do something!
Fathers, you are the architects, and you’ve got to get comfortable enough to lead and to put together your “Dad Plan” .
You’ve got to start somewhere.. so how bout this?…a goal is a dream with a deadline…
1. dream, plan, write, and share two or three goals you have as a father
2. post them and review them on a regular basis
3. be accountable to yourself and someone else to accomplish them
4. when you fail and fall short (which you will)… move on and press forward and start back up where you left off. Have forgiveness and grace on yourself, your kids, and your spouse and others.
The key here is attitude… you don’t HAVE to do these things.. but you GET to do these things.
Your motivation and attitude is everything so decide now in the seat of your will, that this is a priority, and you will succeed!
When will you get started on your Dad Plan?
How will it look when you schedule your kids into your life and really keep your appointments with them?
What will it take for you to be the initiator/leader with this plan, and in your family?
If not you, who? If not now, when?
How about you…. and how about right now…
Secret #7, Be a Man/Lead
Leadership means many things to many people…I think it means being proactive… being the first.
…I know that leading means:
* taking the initiative
* setting the standard
* managing
* planning
* resourcing
* identifying vision, goals and priorities
* being the example always….
A good leader takes responsibility and says” the buck stops here”.
Leaders show the way and model by example what they’re trying to accomplish.
They press on and press in, and they run counter to the culture of convenience… they refuse to get stuck in the “bright and shiny objects”, diversions, and side eddies of our culture.
They strain and strive with intentionality and energy to build relationships and create a legacy and heritage and their families…. I do much of this is simply by taking the initiative, being intentional and planning by writing and accomplishing compelling goals that are relationship based…
Who is leading your family?
Who is leading your children?
If not you, who? If not now, when?
Secret #6, Fathering Mentors/Coaches
What’s the job of a coach?
The job of the coach is to make people do what they want to do, but will not do well, or perhaps even at all, without coaching.
A coach is a leader… he gets people to do things they never thought of, they think they cannot do, or do not want to do.
Your coach persona drives the action in your fathering game plan. Your coach persona may listen to excuses, but do not let excuses stop you from winning at the game of fathering…
So what is your next best?… how we get there?
Who can and will help you be a better father? Can you find and follow a few good examples and role models of fathers that were no better than you, but just a little more experienced?
Can you then spend time with those mentors and go deep and learn and emulate what they do to strengthen your commitment as a quality dad?
Can you seek out sources through a different strategy…
* books or tapes, CDs and DVDs
* introspection and journaling
* fathers who been there before, solved it before, and have the scars to prove it
* internet articles, magazines, radio shows and podcasts…
It is all out there for the taking. We simply need to be in intentional. This commitment to focus on the right direction, and getting wise counsel on fathering will lead to better follow-through in learning the dynamics of building relationships with our kids…
The corollary to this principle is we must jettison people and influences and friends who detract from our fathering plan.
They must not be allowed to obscure our mission goals or strategies to be better fathers.
You and I must get rid of poor influences and “friends” that are cross currents with good fathering… these could be otherwise good fun and normal relationships… the issue here is the usurping of time and energies, which should be devoted first to family and specifically toward children…
Will you seek out resources, including father mentors, with whom you will develop a relationship, from whom you will learn?
Are you accountable to anyone with your father action plan?
What will you do to get resourced?
If not you who?
If not now, when?
Asking Your Kids for Forgiveness
By: Ken Canfield
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One of the toughest conversations you'll ever have with your son or daughter may be one of the most important:
"Joel, tell me the truth."
It was a hot summer day, and good ol' Dad was called in to resolve another family dispute. My son looked at me indignantly.
"Joel, are you telling the truth?"
"Yes, Dad. Honest."
I knew that if I studied his face long enough, he'd give himself away. But that day, he was rock solid. So ... I made the call. "No, you're not, Joel. I don't believe you."
As I doled out the appropriate punishment, Joel showed no sign of remorse. Minutes later, I found out through one of the other kids that Joel had been telling the truth. I had judged him and punished him unfairly. I was wrong.
I don't think there's anything more gripping for a father than coming face to face with your own mistakes. You know what you have to do: go back to the child, confess that you were wrong and ask for forgiveness. It's humbling to be sure, but it's also one of the most important things you can do as a father. It's the ultimate moment of modeling.
Asking your child for forgiveness demonstrates that, as in all relationships, there is give and take. He learns that your rules of discipline are not arbitrary, and that you hold yourself accountable to those rules as well. By admitting you were wrong and seeking forgiveness, you prove to your child that restoring the trust of the relationship is more important than your own pride.
But it goes even further. Think of the relief your child must feel. He has been punished unjustly, but you haven't blown off his feelings. You didn't just say, "Hey, life isn't fair," and expect him to understand. Seeking his forgiveness symbolizes that you are responsive to your child. He has suffered unjustly, and you want to make things right.
Have you blown it recently? Do you still need to go back to your child and make things right?
We all make mistakes that hurt the people around us - including our children. And we all need forgiveness.
"Joel, will you forgive me?"
Secret #4 Study your children
As important as identifying your children’s strengths is being able and willing to identify their faults and weaknesses.
Having the courage to take a hard look at your child’s personal failures and weaknesses will enable you to begin to come behind them and support them.
This exercise, when done in love, can open the door for your fatherly coaching,encouragement, and training.
Another key to this is understanding the child behind the behavior.
For example, kids act out when they’re hungry, tired, sick, emotionally needy, or even need to poop. The key then becomes your ability to study and analyze the whole picture behind how your child is acting.
Can you see through their eyes and identify with empathy and understand why they’re acting as they are?
You must get understanding based on facts, not on…
1. perception
2. emotion
3. a quick look
4. a fast observation….
You must be willing to take the time and use the resources to get to know your kid. What is bothering, challenging, or troubling them? Is it physical, emotional, spiritual, mental, social, or something else you haven’t thought of? A quick and cursory look will not reveal what you must figure out to know your kids in order to support them…
How can we possibly give support, help, or guidance without knowing the root causes of the problems and issues our kids face?
It’s up to us as fathers to be keen observers of our kids, and to study their strengths and their weaknesses that we may support them….neglect and apathy is your number one enemy here.
Do you study your kids and know their gifts?
Do you know their weaknesses?
Are you currently resourcing their strengths and training and coaching their weaknesses?
Where your child’s three main strengths?
What are your child’s three main weaknesses?
5 Needs of Sons
Written by Ken Canfield, Ph.D.
Since we used to be boys, we have a more natural companionship with our sons; we’re more alike, and we enjoy more of the same activities. Oddly enough, even though it’s easier for us to be with our sons, it’s still too often a distant relationship. We need to be intentional about building a close connection with our sons and giving them a healthy model of what it means to be a boy, a man, and a father.
ImageWe need to be intentional about raising up young men of character. Based on research I’ve done with about 2,000 fathers, I have identified 5 key things that sons need from their dads:
A PLAN
Sons need a dad who is thinking about their future and taking action to prepare them for that future—whether we’re talking about tomorrow, next week, next year, or ten years from now. Financial planning is a good comparison, because our regular, consistent investments will pay rich dividends for our sons’ future.
We could talk about having a plan for a son’s vocational future—which is much more than targeting him as a doctor, computer technician or musician. You want him to have a fulfilling career that pays the bills and contributes to society.
There’s his relational future—talking about what to look for in a mate, discussing what it takes to make a marriage work, and having regular discussions about how he relates to the opposite sex.
Third, give some thought to rites of passage—benchmarks along the way that help signal new levels of maturity and responsibility, and that affirm him as a beloved son.
Also, I’d suggest listing some skills, attitudes, and values to instill in your son by the time he leaves home. You might include financial stewardship, the ability to delay gratification, prayer, basic auto maintenance, thankfulness, perseverance, honesty, a work ethic, modesty, or family togetherness. Make a list, and check it from time to time as a reminder. You’ve heard the saying: if you fail to plan, you have planned to fail.
AN EXAMPLE
Our sons need reference points, and usually, actions speak louder than words. Living a responsible lifestyle can impact our children and children’s children for generations. That’s the kind of power our example can have. A dad’s example really encompasses all aspects of life. But let me mention a few areas where we need to be intentional about modeling:
First is our emotions. We can help our sons regulate their emotions and express them in responsible ways by watching us. A lot of dads hide their emotions, like they are a weakness. But our sons need to see our feeling side; it’s a vital part of who we are. We need to learn to regulate our anger—and other emotions—and be a positive model.
Our sons also need our example as husbands—especially boys who have experienced a family break-up. When we do the work to build a strong marriage—the communication, the thoughtful gestures and so on—that creates powerful pictures for a son.
A MONITOR
Boys need their father to keep track of them, hold them accountable, and correct them when necessary. The headlines have been filled with stories of boys and young men who weren’t monitored in a healthy way. But we must teach our sons that we’re watching them, and we’re not going to stand by and watch them disregard what we know is best for them. I encourage dads to check in regularly with their sons—especially on two issues:
Respect. Many young men have lost a sense of respect, and it especially shows in their speech. We hear them trash talking, cursing and joking coarsely, or denigrating women. So we need to monitor the way our sons are talking, and teach them to use their speech for positive ends—like articulating thoughts and feelings, building relationships, giving encouragement and speaking words of life and peace.
The second is purity, which is another area in which our modeling is important. We know that alluring images assault us from all sides, and we need to prepare our sons for battle and help them maintain self-control. A boy’s passion is a good gift, but it’s important that he protect that gift, and see that it isn’t corrupted by the false or immoral views he will hear. So we need to check in regularly and monitor how our sons are doing in this area.
MORAL AND SPIRITUAL BENCHMARKS
These are events, experiences, or habits that help to activate your son’s faith and teach him what it means to live a life that looks out beyond himself. We can focus on three areas that are important to a son’s moral development:
Respect for authority. Recently I told a group of young women that, as they think about what they want in a husband, it’s important to ask, Does he respond to authority in a proper way? Does he respect those who are over him? Submitting to authority will help teach a son humility.
Spiritual vitality. Dads, by your example, your son will gain an appreciation for prayer and other acts of devotion. Many fathers are absent from equipping their sons in this area. And if boys grow up without a masculine model of spiritual vitality, they may view faith as a feminine pursuit. But a real man shows both compassion and strength, humility and decisiveness. So while we strive to model submission, humility and love, we also need to show our sons that walking by faith also requires toughness, resourcefulness, and courage.
Real-life experiences of service—memorable, life-changing events and acts of service. Give your son many experiences serving others—from the family whose car has broken down on the side of the road ... to the inner-city project or homeless shelter in your community ... to the missions trip to Brazil. Maybe these could even be combined with rites of passage activities with our sons.
LOVE
We need to cultivate love—or responsible action toward others in our sons.
Good communication is vital. We fathers need to make communication a high priority, so we’re teaching our sons by example and through practice. In a nutshell, we listen first before making our opinions known, and we do away with lectures in favor of two-way discussions. We’re also open to receiving feedback, even if it’s negative. And what’s so important—we take the initiative in rebuilding relationships when fractures occur. We have the courage to admit when we’re wrong and seek forgiveness. See, those are all demonstrations of love.
The other key factor is closely related, but worth mentioning separately: showing affection. Boys with affectionate fathers develop positive self-esteem, they tend to thrive in schoolwork, and have fewer gender identity issues. So, instead of a pat on the back or a tousle of the hair, give your son a big, old-fashioned bear hug—and do it often.
Verbal affection is important as well. Positive words give sons confidence and belonging, and again provide a model of a man who can express love in healthy ways. We need to tell our sons how much they means to us, point out their positive character traits, and just say, “I love you, and I’m proud to be your dad.”
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Essay by a boy in 2nd grade:
My dad is the best dad ever. He taught me how to make a wooden airplane. It was the best plane ever. We are true pals. I would kiss a pig for him.
Essay by a boy in 8th grade:
One of the funnest times I have had with him was on a camping trip with the boy scouts. We fished, hiked, and carved wood. At night, he snored so loud we thought it was a bear. It was a great experience.
Essay by a boy in 2nd grade:
My dad is a really good fisher. He works hard so that mom can stay home with me and my sister and take care of us. My dad likes to play with warrior toys. Even though he doesn't want anyone else to know. I also like when we watch sports together and he jumps around and yells at the TV. But I guess what my dad really means to me - he is my best friend, my role model, and when I grow up, I want to be just like him. Someone who loves his family so much that he sacrifices everything of himself. I love my dad.
Essay by a boy in 7th grade:
He’s the type of guy that you can talk to about school, other boys or just plain girlfriends.
Lasting Impressions: A Father's Model
Written by the dads @ fathers.com
Date Posted: Wednesday, 21 May 2008
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Occasionally we catch glimpses of our children imitating our behavior. It can be very cute, or it can be a staggering, frightening experience. A toddler tries to do push-ups on the living room floor, just like his dad. He grabs his plastic razor and strains to see the mirror as his dad is shaving. Then, they are in the car together, caught in a traffic jam, and the boy shouts, “Move it, people!”—or something worse.
Older children will be less obvious, and it may take longer before we see them copying us, but the imitation is just as real. Only now, the stakes are higher: they’re making moral choices, forming lasting relationships, perhaps dating, driving, and making decisions about what they want to pursue in life.
Modeling is where our true influence as fathers shows up, because important values are caught more than they are taught. Children learn more from watching our lives than from listening to what we say. Each day, in hundreds of ways, we communicate to our kids, “Follow me.”
This presents both a dilemma and an opportunity. It’s a dilemma because our children will use our lives as reference points, for better or worse, by design or by default. It’s also an opportunity to be intentional about demonstrating for our children what a responsible, calm, caring, self-sacrificing father is like.
WHAT TO MODEL
EMOTIONAL MATURITY
Ron was in the back yard, cranking on his fourteen-year-old lawn mower. After so many years and so Imagemany repairs, the old beast just wouldn’t start. Ron’s frustration mounted. After cranking and cranking for several more minutes, Ron accidentally brushed his hand against the pull cord, which was so hot it burned him. In his frustration, he gave the mower a swift kick.
As he stood there stewing in emotion, he heard someone behind him. There was his two-year-old son, pushing his plastic lawn mower. Sure enough, the boy reared back and kicked that little mower, just like his dad.
Emotional maturity is among the most important qualities in life, and your children—especially your sons—learn by watching you. Too many dads hide their emotions, perhaps thinking they are a sign of weakness. If they do show an emotion, it’s usually anger. Maybe they were raised in homes where feelings were rarely discussed, certain topics were forbidden, and family members rarely said “I’m sorry” or “I love you.”
ImageBut we need to learn to express emotions in healthy ways—whether we cry over a loss, maintain control during frustrations, or celebrate an achievement. Our kids need to see that vital part of who we are. And even when we lose control emotionally, those can be positive times if we take time to go to our children, confess that we were wrong, apologize, and talk about better ways to handle emotions.
RESPECT FOR WOMEN
Mark is a young father who learned a valuable lesson about the powerful impact his words and actions have on his child. One day, a ten-year-old neighbor boy told Mark that he had a new girlfriend. What was Mark’s next question? That’s right: “Is she pretty?” It seemed harmless at first, but as Mark thought about it, he realized that in that brief conversation he had classified the girl’s appearance as more important than a dozen character traits that actually have much higher value.
Sons get most of their ideas about relating to women from their dads. With that in mind, ask yourself: What am I demonstrating for my son? You don’t want him to value women only for their appearance, but are your words and actions contradicting that? Even at a very young age, your son will soak up your habits.
Sometimes boys show disrespect for women in other ways: they may manipulate their mothers, rebel against their teachers, and be very insensitive to their sisters. They may “play hardball” to get their way. So, teaching a son to respect women includes doing what’s necessary to help him control his aggressiveness. He needs to know that Dad plays hardball, too—not with physical or verbal abuse, but with a firm resolve to confront him and hold him accountable for his disrespect.
ImageWe dads must demonstrate and defend the notion that women are to be valued for their fascinating character, their integrity, and the feminine traits that complement our masculine approach.
With a daughter, try thinking of your modeling as training to help her spot counterfeits. A good way to teach people to spot counterfeit bills is to make them very familiar with the real thing. If they have a detailed awareness of the authentic, they are able to spot a counterfeit right away.
As a father, it’s your responsibility to be that “real thing” as your daughter learns to relate to boys. Even as a young girl, she’s trying to figure out men, and you’re her closest and best example of one. What’s appropriate? How will men respond when she flirts for attention? As her father, you play a large role in showing her what a proper, respectful response sounds and feels like. Without that model, she may not know what to expect from men. She may not be able to see through the irresponsible, insensitive, dishonest men she meets along the way.
She needs lots of your attention, affirmation, and healthy physical affection. But make it clear that she has won your heart because she is a fascinating and worthwhile person. Show her that there are men who are consistent, trustworthy, and sensitive to her needs.
INTEGRITY
As fathers, we’re always on camera. Our children’s movie cameras capture scenes and sounds that they replay and relive again and again. With our character and integrity, we can never yell, “Cut!” and do it over.
We can’t hide the truth from our families, and that should put some pressure on us. Our “walk” needs to be consistent with our “talk.” We need to be careful about keeping our promises. If we teach our children to value honesty, can we ask them to tell someone on the phone that we aren’t there? If we work to instill a respect for authority, is that consistent with the radar detector on the dashboard? If we lament the rise in teenage pregnancies and preach abstinence, can we still watch the popular TV show where premarital sex is expected and even cheered? Can we tell our children to respect their elders and then bad-mouth our in-laws? Modeling integrity is a full-time, lifelong job.
Dad, what are you modeling for your kids—through your action or inaction? Maybe a better question is, Are you willing to make permanent lifestyle changes to make sure you’re sending a consistent message? Is it too much to ask you to give up your favorite TV show or get rid of the radar detector?
These may not seem like big issues now, but realize that your modeling lasts many years for your child. Someday your son or daughter will be faced with important life decisions. How can he defend truth if he hasn’t seen truth in action? When your daughter is confronted with some wild philosophy at college, will she think, “What would my dad do?” and make a wise choice? Or, will she think, “Well, dad said this, but he usually did something else”?
Disciplining our children is another common test in this area. We want to produce self-disciplined, confident people who make wise choices, take responsibility for their actions, and proactively work to fix their problems. But often, our own methods work against that goal. We may explode at our kids for not having self-control, or yell at them for not being respectful. A big part of disciplining children is demonstrating the behavior we expect from them—showing them that the right way is more worthwhile and fulfilling than the alternatives.
Our inconsistency plants seeds of confusion and exasperation in our children. They are depending on us to be models of integrity.
HOW TO MODEL
BE INTENTIONAL
The good news is that our positive words and actions are also recorded by our children’s movie cameras, and they make impressions that are just as vivid and long-lasting as the negative ones.
Maybe it’s an image of you going back to a store because the clerk didn’t charge you enough. Maybe it’s going out of your way to help someone along the side of the road. It might be a phrase or a tone of voice—the endearing way you speak to your wife, or the words, “I was wrong. I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”
Clarence, an African American man, has a vivid memory from when he was nine years old. One day at a gas station, some men verbally abused his father because of his skin color. Clarence’s father didn’t retaliate or even acknowledge the denigrating remarks. At the time, Clarence was ashamed of his dad for not standing up to them, but now, many years later, he tells the story with pride because his father exercised courageous restraint.
Golf legend Chi Chi Rodriguez tells about a time when his father caught one of the neighborhood boys stealing bananas from a tree in their yard. Instead of pressing charges, his father climbed the tree, cut down some bananas, and then took Chi Chi with him to deliver them to the boy and his family.
You can tell your kids about the principles that are important to you; you can spout platitudes ‘til you’re blue in the face. But when you show them with real-life examples, the lessons really stick.
Dads, we have extraordinary power in modeling. But we need to make sure that when we say, “Follow me,” we know exactly where we’re going.
Secret#3. Time = Love.
Some fathers spend more time with their kids in one day, and some debts due in one week, or even one month!!
Why?…The difference?
Intentionality.
Time spent with your child shows your love by action.
We need both quality and quantity time with our kids.
We need to include them in our world, and include ourselves in their world.
Here’s some examples of what I do with my kids.
These are areas where we’ve found common ground to play together…
1. hot tubbing
2. trampoline
3. on the swing
4. basketball
5. playing Legos
6. playing boardgames
7. doing crafts…
You get the picture… find common ground and leverage the time with your kids.
You must be intentional and methodical and sequential if you are to be successful in this endeavor of spending quality time with your kids…
This means…
1. date your kids…Go to Starbucks, bagels, McDonald’s, ice cream or whatever
2. put them in your day timer or in Outlook
3. schedule them, as you would your most precious appointment… because that’s what these are.
have daily and weekly schedule routines together, including…
* Meal times… the best place to teach your kids your values, heritage, and spiritual foundation.
* Bedtimes… a key point in showing love, closing the day correctly, and praying together
* Weekly rituals… Friday night pizza, movie night, the family night etc….
* Running errands… always bring a kid with you on car rides… again leverage the time.
* Chores and projects… build relationships and teach a good work ethic… All in one package!
Let’s address the “I don’t have time” excuse.
Everyone has time, no exceptions.
We give time to what we value the most.
Create time today that you would normally spent on TV, the Internet, sports, hobbies, boating, hunting golfing, or just being lazy….. begin to incrementally give it to your children!
Just hang out with your family and kids because you want to and get to.
Not because you HAVE TO…
Make a solid choice of attitude and motivation.
We GET to hang out with our kids.. we are blessed and privileged!
How could you be more intentional and incremental in dating your kids?
Dream it, plan it, write it, and do it!
Follow through…
If not you, who?
If not now, when?
7 STEPS TO LEAVE A PARENTAL LEGACY
What will they say about you when you are gone?
Good? Bad? Nothing? Angry? Sad? Fun? In the moment? Disengaged?…What will it be?
How about you making that decision now and be intentional about how you are living/parenting?
YOU can decide how you will be, react, respond, live, speak think, and act.
This will certainly gage how others (esp. family) will remember you when you pass on.
Here are some tools that my father Bob used to leave his legacy and heritage…
1. Time… Togetherness, investment in quality relationships with intentional, time spent together.
2. Communication…Talking, telling stories, laughing, and sharing life together, while communicating.
3. Love for and Appreciation of Beauty… Noticing life intentionally: the flowers, people, gardens, plants ,trees,birds, animals, and the natural world.
4. Love for People… Appreciation and thankfulness for those in our lives. Expressions of love through, hugs, focused attention, eye contact encouragement, and appropriate touch.
5. Love for God… Actively having a love affair with our Creator, based in a worshipful heart disposition. Living in intentional expression in: church community, the Fellowship, the study of truth, prayer, using our gifts, and living a life of love for God and people.
6. Having fun!… Being present, in the moment and spontaneous. Making time for what’s really important. Being able to stop and smell the flowers, taste the ice cream, and generally enjoy the simple things. “The best things in life are not things at all.”
7. Being a Lifelong Learner… Possessing a hunger and thirst for truth, knowledge, wisdom, understanding, and a compelling education. Truly being a student of life, with the intent of discovering your strengths and gifts and making application to make your world a better place.
You could put all of my father’s worldly possessions in his Chevy celebrity, yet he left us incredible riches. He taught and modeled a love for life, God, and people that will transmit for generations. He was not a flashy man, yet his life was compelling, and his heritage rich with meaning.
So what will it be for you?…Who are you?
What do you want to leave behind?
You are leaving something now, what is it?
What do you want to see more of?
What you see now that you’d like to make go away?
The answers to the above will define your heritage and legacy for years and generations to come…
Secret#2. Unconditional Love:Respect
Respect is defined as… to care, esteem, regard, venerate,revere, honor or reverence.
It is at the core of how all individuals would like to be treated and spoken to.
As fathers when you to show it, in our conversation, tone, actions and kindness to her children.
We need not talk down to them as a smaller person, who is weaker, vulnerable, or less valuable.
Our children need to know they are accepted and acceptable.
They must know they are respected and honored by how they are treated in our…
* actions
* attitudes
* words
* and our non-verbals…
Here’s the test… would you speak to or treat another peer or adult in the same manner you do your kids?
Do you..?
1. talk down to them?
2. berate them
3. raise your voice or yell at them
4. display poor attitude in your tone or non-verbals?
5. show inappropriate anger and frustration and annoyance with your kids?
So if you would not treat another adult like manner, why would you address your kids whom you love as much or more with such disrespect and dishonor?
It seems to me that many parents think it’s okay to not treat your kids with love and respect and address them in inappropriate and dishonoring fashion as individuals.
That’s not to say that when correcting or having courageous conversations with our kids. We can’t show frustration, appropriate anger or annoyance at their immaturity or misbehavior.
Does your child really fill accepted and acceptable?
Respected and honored?
How would your kids respond differently to you, if you consistently address them with appropriate respect and honor?
Begin to show in your your conversation, kindness, actions and tone as well as your non-verbals and you will see a transformation, both in yourself and your children!
Good Dad/ Bad Dad -The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathering : INTRODUCTION
Can you name the three great examples of fathers in current culture?
You can’t say Bill Cosby or the guy on “Father Knows Best”!
Go ahead; we’re waiting….
Can’t seem to find just three?
How come?
Where have all the good dads gone?
Good fathers are an endangered species!
What is it with us guys?
Where did all the Great Dads go?
What’s up with the dads?
Dads are in trouble.
Everything assaults us-
Society, work, appetites, pressures, time management, and busyness.
We have no training, no schools, no workshops, few seminars, and no classes on how to be effective fathers. Moreover, as you’ve learned from the exercise above, we have very few examples from which to learn.
Men are great project managers in the workplace and at home, but most of us fail miserably when it comes to relationship building. Men tend to be great planners, movers, shakers, project managers, or people managers, but we are often poor at building in-depth relationships with those we love.
Men can be great builders; we have built amazing:
· Civilizations
· Countries
· Societies
· Communities
· Cities
· Towns
· Neighborhoods
But when it comes to building relationships and running a family, men often fail miserably.
We can run a business and government, and even a society, but we are often poor at running a family.
Our family—wife, children, pets—often get the leftovers of our mind, body, emotions, and spirit at the end of the day.
Why is that? Let me explain…
Here are a few of the reasons, the issues, problems, and challenges that men face and that undermine their desire to create and build relationships of quality with their families:
ü No goals, objectives, or written plan to make family a priority
ü Poor time management skills, being too busy, not making time for priorities
ü Workaholism
ü Perfectionism
ü Poor skill sets with fathering
ü Poor fathering examples
ü Buying, owning, and maintaining too many possessions and “stuff”
And 1000 other distractions, including low priority activities such as:
· Computer
· TV
· Gaming
· Hobbies
· Sports
· Illicit activities
When “real men” get stuck, we never ask for directions!
How can we possibly admit weakness, vulnerability, or something as simple as being lost?
This all makes for a very sad situation.
Men are not picking and living their priorities.
So how do we guys have quality family relationships?
How do we spend quality, as well as quantity, time with those we love?
And how do we forge meaningful ties with our children- emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically- when our families often get our leftovers?
How do we do this, when we often return home from the workplace and the life outside the family truly drained and unable or unwilling to continue to give and pour out of our already-sapped resources? Many dads are truly lost, not even seeking a way back to being on track.
What is your Plan for being a Good Dad?
This is the two-dollar question, the dilemma, which we will address as we discover the
Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers.
Consider the Key Questions
Here are the key questions to ask yourself as a father as you develop your personal Fathering Plan:
1. Who are you?
2. What do you want?
3. Why are you here?
4. What isn’t working that you would like to see start working?
5. What would you like to see stop happening?
The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers will help you to discover some of your answers.
We will uncover some ideas, tools, tips, and techniques to help you become more:
· Intentional
· Sequential
· Methodical
· Effective
You can become an awesome father, but you have to answer the above questions and then be resolute in taking action to move forward toward incremental progress as a father.
You can do it, but you’ve got to first dream it, plan it, and then do it.
If not you, who?
If not now, when?
FATHER FORGETS
W. Livingston Larned
condensed as in “Readers Digest”
Listen, son: I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little
paw crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily
wet on your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone.
Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the
library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me. Guiltily
I came to your bedside.
There are the things I was thinking, son: I had been cross
to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because
you gave your face merely a dab with a towel. I took you to
task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when
you threw some of your things on the floor.
At breakfast I found fault, too. You spilled things. You
gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You
spread butter too thick on your bread. And as you started off
to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand
and called, “Goodbye, Daddy!” and I frowned, and said in
reply, “Hold your shoulders back!”
Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came
up the road I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles.
There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated you before
your boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house.
Stockings were expensive-and if you had to buy them you would
be more careful! Imagine that, son, from a father!
Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how
you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes?
When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption,
you hesitated at the door. “What is it you want?” I snapped.
You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge,
and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your
small arms tightended with an affection that God had set
blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither.
And then you were gone, pattering up the stairs.
Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped
from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What
has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, of
reprimanding-this was my reward to you for being a boy. It
was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too
much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own
years.
And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your
character. The little heart of you was as big as the dawn
itself over the wide hills. This was shown by your spontaneous
impulse to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else matters
tonight, son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and
I have knelt there, ashamed!
It is feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these
things if I told them to you during your waking hours. But
tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer
when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my
tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it
were a ritual: “He is nothing but a boy-a little boy!”
I am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see you
now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are
still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother’s arms, your
head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much.
11 Guidelines For Effective Parenting
1. Really listen. Listening creates clear communication by giving undivided attention and encouraging expression of feelings. Have real conversations, when you both listen and respond/react to each other.
2. Encourage family activities. A sense of belonging is developed by doing things together, from social activities like driving to the store, going on an outing, or doing something fun together, to household chores or projects.
3. Discipline constructively. It is important to give clear directions and to enforce limits on behavior. Use a positive approach: “Do____”, rather than “Don’t___”.
4. Be consistent. Discuss and post house rules. If they change, announce the change. Better yet, have a family meeting to discuss the changes.
5. Be clear. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t try to tell the other person what you think it is they want to hear. Stop being a pleaser… you will never please everyone, least of which yourself.
6. Be reasonable and understanding. Be willing to hear your child’s point of view. Have logic and compassion. Use grace and truth. Speak the truth in love.
7. Be flexible. Bargaining is an effective tool. Don’t major on the minors. Consider the individual.
8. Be authoritative. Trust in your own common sense. If you are not sure about a decision, announce the need for some time to think about it. Then, do not hesitate or be indecisive; simply lead.
9. Develop mutual respect. Model basic trust by being honest and sincere yourself. Insist that all family members treat each other with honor and respect. Be the first to apologize and repent when you err.
10. Attend to your own needs. Maintain your individuality and cultivate your interests and talents. Treat yourself well, thus avoiding the martyr syndrome.
11. Maintain a sense of humor. Finding humor in life is an important aspect of personal adjustment. Humor is a decision. It reflects a positive outlook that keeps issues in perspective, and separates what is really important from what is not.
Gabriel’s Story
This is a true story of our beloved son, Gabriel.
It all started with the ultrasound at Mad River Community Hospital. The ultrasound revealed the possibility of Down syndrome. Gabe had a 1 in 3 chance of having Down .
That question haunted us until Gabe’s birth.
My wife Joni was assigned a month’s bed rest and then gave birth to a mostly-healthy
baby boy. They were then flown overnight to UC Davis Medical Center in
Sacramento, where Gabriel was to have surgery to correct an intestinal blockage. After the surgery, both mother and son were fine!
The two dollar question was, did Gabriel have Down syndrome?
Meeting with the doctor, she assured us that he did have Down syndrome…and that we had less than one year left in our marriage. Her point was that parents of special needs kids have marital challenges. She was not very delicate. What a great nugget to drop on a couple in a vulnerable time!
The proceeding questions, heartbreak, prayer, and walks around the UC Davis campus crying out to God will always be etched in my memory.
I decided to dedicate Gabriel (and our raising him) to the Lord, and trust that, although he
would never be a football hero or a brain surgeon, his life would be both personally fulfilling and enriching to those around him. We were ready to move on and raise our son no matter!
The shame, embarrassment, and guilt that parents of children with special needs
children share is one of life’s dirty little secrets. Although not
rational, logical, or reasonable, these feelings are very tangible.
The feelings of sadness and gloom often come at unexpected and strange times.
Perception is reality. The pain is real.
The times of denial, reality hitting home, and the Costco gawkers staring at our Gabe, only serve to remind us at times of our frustration, pain, and anguish.
Every so often, the reality check of Gabriel’s special needs of
autism and Down syndrome come crashing in on us. Gabe’s episodes of dysfunction or meltdowns pull us out of our times of denial, where we have to admit, acknowledge, and again decide to go forward as parents.
We have learned to be honest with our feelings and with reality. We’ve chosen to redeem gain from all the pain as a couple and as a family to love regardless of “return on investment”.
· Some of the lessons learned include:
1. There is no one-time fix.
2. This is a long-term issue, challenge, battle, and journey requiring a long term mentality and approach.
3. A positive mental attitude and my positive confessions are not enough to get me through.
4. There is no “Bible bullet “or quick fix that is adequate to address my pain.
5. Whereas Gabriel may have retardation of his intellect, there is none of the spirit.
6. His worth has very little to do with his intellect or ability to contribute to society.
7. Societal worth is indeed a relativistic concept.
8. We’ve learned to give without expecting anything in return
The lessons learned have to do with my deciding to have the right perspective, attitude, actions, and behaviors.
The decision to love unconditionally is mine alone.
This unconditional love, stemming from the decision to love Gabriel, has transferred some of my pain into a long term perspective which is surprising, refreshing, and very interesting. He has taught us many lessons.
I’m learning to love freely regardless of the payback.
I’m learning to value all people.
I know that everyone has special needs.
Some of us just hide them better!
This unconditional love is a decision that begins in the seat of my will.
I must decide daily how and whom we will love.
My commitment as a father begins with loving my son and resourcing him
in every way to maximize his potential. I also need to maximize my
potential to love, accept, understand, and help Gabriel where
possible. My commitment is also to help my family to love Gabriel, to
be patient with him, and to see past his challenges to his many positive attributes.
My Mission Statement is this: “To personally and practically love, accept, and
go forward in raising my son to his fullest potential with God’s help”.
As I do this, I know that Gabriel has the potential to teach us to look for the things in life that are truly important. May I be as good a student as he is a teacher.
____________________________________________________________________________
SCOTT HAMMOND…Bio
Scott Hammond is a professional speaker, trainer, writer, and father of 9 kids. He lives in McKinleyville (Humboldt County), California, with his wonderful wife, Joni. Scott can be contacted at scott@BecomeaBetterFather.com or 707-616-7665.